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If you’re a Hollywood producer who wants to write
an anonymous
rave of a film you
just made, click
here.

If you’re a Hollywood producer
who wants to
pan a film made
by a rival studio,
click here.

If you’re Mike
Ovitz, click here.


My grandmother hopes that I drive carefully at night (sorry, but we don't get many articles at Coaxial, this is the best I can do.

Hot babes I think about in the shower.


Date: Yes, Please!!! (God, I LOVE that Joke)

The Most Comprehensive Listing of X-Men Info. On The Web (Warning: No Spoilers)

Click here to read which projects AICN wants you to illegally sneak into!!!!

Harry Drinks a Bottle of Tequila, Makes Up Stuff About Spiderman Movie

Elston Gunn's Weekly Recap, Wherein He Helpfully Summarizes Daily Variety's Web site!

Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet Finally Insults Someone


THIS IS HIM!!! THIS IS THE NEXT ANAKIN SKYWALKER! PRAISE BAAL!!!!

Nine Upcoming Movies I Would Kill/Have Killed To See!!!

A Seven-Year-Old Boy Reviews AND HATES Titan AE, Thereby Controlling the Box Office Future of The Film!!!!

OKAY OKAY OKAY. I Purposefully Fingered the Wrong Suspect In a Murder Investigation. Sheesh. GET OFF MY BACK!!!

I saw a pair of FEMALE BREASTS!!!! Females are good!!!! Breasts Are Better!!!!

That bastard Moriarty's 10,000 word essay on his feelings from the films released in March, 1992!!! I'll kill the bastard before I make sweet love to him on his couch

Watch as I use ellipses.... and parenthesis 300 times in a single paragraph! Run-on sentences are just the added bonus that I can speak three different languages!!!

My contract with Satan has been renewed!!! I am set to appear on the Ebert show five more times in the next month!!!!

Report: Chicken Wing Discovered Lodged in My Beard!!!!! Anyone still want it???

Lord Of the Rings Signs Exclusive Deal With AICN: Now, Only We Can Publish Doctored Photos Of The Set!

This article gives away the ending to 509 upcoming films this year! I love my life!!!

Dave Poland Writes 2,000 Word Essay "Where Have Ethics In Movies Gone?" With Me As Main Subject! Score!

The AICN objectify women contest is on!!! If you can objectify a woman in five words or less, you're in!!!!

Here's the home address, phone number, email address and prescription history of Tom Cruise! I know I shouldn't post it because of those "ethics" things, but I lost those last year! Enjoy!!!!

An AICN television show in the works??? The Fox Network Says "Yes!!!!!!"

More Exclamation Marks Means This Article Is Exciting!!!!

Jerry Bruckheimer's Ego Announces IPO!!!

The Complete List of Oscar Nominees for 2003!!! I Know I'm Right This Time!!!!

I went outside my house today and saw the sun for the first time in four months!!!! HOLY SHIT IT'S BRIGHT!.

THERE IS A GOD! I KNOW IT!

Robopottomus sneaks a peak at John Woo's new movie: I Blowed It Up Real Good!

DINOSAUR Producer Buys Candybar, pushing budget over 300 Million Mark!

Assistant Gopher Complains About Job Over At iFilm.com! The Internet Is Finally Changing The Way Filmmakers Stab Each Other in The Back!!!

Jeff Wells Finds New Way To Get Drunk With B-Rate Actors, Clues Us In On The Details!

Hot Babery On The Set Of Charlie's Angels! Yum Yum Give Me Some!

THIS IS HOW THE WORLD ENDS: God sneaks a peak about the upcoming apocalypse and writes in!

THIS ARTICLE IS IN ALL CAPS!!!!

For the love of God, these are just movies! It's just two hours of watching pretentious, wealthy, soulless human beings who have lost all the passion in their lives! Why do you care ... I mean, here's some info on the upcoming Rocky & Bullwinkle movie!!!

DOES BATTLEFIELD EARTH SUCK? I haven't seen the movie, but I'm gonna ruin its box office 'cause I can!!!

How many people have been fired because of my spies releasing information? Click here!

Dave Poland Laments

PEARL HARBOR Review

EPISODE THREE review

REVIEWS OF THREE MOVIES THAT HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN THOUGHT UP YET review

GIGANTIC JUGGS review

TODAY'S HAM SANDWICH review

ELIAN! THE MUSICAL review

A REVIEW OF MY LAST THREE REVIEWS review

 

WILL THIS PAGE
EVER FREAKING END?

 

Which Of These Classic Films Have You Lied About Watching?

Gone With The Wind 1939
The Wizard of Oz 1939
Spellbound 1945
Them 1954
Forbidden Planet 1956
The Spirit of St. Louis 1957
Journey to the Center of the Earth 1959
The Absent Minded Professor 1961
The Birds 1963
The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao 1964
The Greatest Story Ever Told 1965
When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth 1971
Close Encounters of the Third Kind 1977
Star Trek, The Motion Picture 1979
Dragonslayer 1981
Poltergeist 1982
Blade Runner 1982
When Are You Going to Post Some Episode 2 Rumors?

View Results

COOL NEWS

Well here is what all the Hoopla's about!!! That's right, it's my exclamation mark guide!!! This is what the Japanese have been using to decipher secret U.S. nuclear codes:
• One mark means: I have absolutely no interest at all in this movie. The only reason I'm posting it here is I owe this writer a favor for letting look at pictures of scantily clad women.
• Two marks mean:
I feel the same way about this article as I do about rotting chicken livers: I'll eat it if it's the only thing I've got left in the fridge!!
Three Marks: EPT Stick test says Lynn Bracken isn't pregnant!!!
• Four Marks: Doctor concurs with stick test!!!!
• Five Marks: This movie is great, but no one I've met or e-mailed in real life had anything to do with it.
• Six Marks: This movie sucked, but Robert Rodriguez directed it!!!!!!
• Seven Marks: This is the most stupendous, most incredible fucking movie directed by a friend of mine that I have ever fucking seen!!!!!!!

COAXIAL NEWS

Coaxial News? You mean you've never heard of it? Until yesterday, neither had I! In fact, I just glanced at the right side of the page and THERE IT WAS! I called my cosmic friends and gathered a tribunal council to discuss the matter. When they informed me that it has indeed been there for the past three years, I CREAMED MY JEANS. Why didn't anyone tell me? Well, anyway, I have no idea what it is. I hear it's a section devoted to Kevin Williamson's love life, but I just don't have the time to find out for sure.

HARRY'S WORLD
This here is where you will find out a bit more about why this idiot named Harry is such a character. True stories of the geek in his native enviroment in AUSTIN!!! Beware! This can be quite graphic and frightening, not visually, but descriptively. In fact, Congress is trying to pass a law labeling this as pornography so only 18 year olds and up can enter! Until then, welcome children!!!

 

FORUMS

Here, you are in control, you post, you write and you discuss the ins and outs of what-not and life, until I go through and randomly delete posts.

VOICES IN MY HEAD

I'd like to take a moment to thank all of the voices in my head that have made me so successful in life. To Sam the Butcher: Thanks for telling me that I don't have to give up my lunch money when I'm being bullied. To Donna the Swandiver: You're the best. See you tonight, hon. And.... to Sammy the Bull... you know who you are ... thanks for getting me through those days when I was a human mechanical bull.

POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS

Remember kiddies, Uncle Harry says vote Democrat!!! And when you can't vote Democrat, at least vote Eastwood.

MOVIE REVIEWS

English teachers beware: From the people who brought you "Written by Harry Knowles" comes the Ain't It Cool Movie Reviews! What makes these so different is my philosophy that film review doesn't begin and end with good grammar. There is more to it. What we do and who we are affects the review and how we compose simple phrases. Instead of hiding that, I share it, much to the dismay of the general population and the editors of Variety, which is why they won't ever mention me in any of the articles they steal from me.

LINKS

The last time someone clicked on a link this far down the page was: March 17, 1997. These are the links that I find cool. I have a link to the lost city of Atlantis. It's the actual city, people! But you don't care. No one ever reads this far down anyway. Buncha mindless schills.

NetFlix CONTEST WINNERS

Don't click here, I'm pretty sure it links to Mr. Showbiz. There's nothing there to read.

Rumors
Aint-It-Cool-News.com takes no responsibility for publishing false, misleading or libelous rumors. Here, any rumor I publish is probably true, especially ones about Kevin Spacey's sex life

 

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