THIS IS HIM!!!
THIS IS THE NEXT ANAKIN!!!! THANK YOU, BAAL, FOR PROVIDING
ME WITH SUCH INFORMATION!!!
Must....
Catch.... Breath.... Running.... From.... ILM Ranch with this
SECRET.... Photo.... OF THE NEXT FREAKING ANAFUCKING SKYWALKER.
Now,
how Do I KNOW it's him? As in KNOWING that I'm right, as in
KNOWING that the picture you are about to see (please don't
scroll down until you finish reading this, by the way) IS
THE Anakin? Well, I have... several... well-placed sources
at Lucas's ranch, including 13 SUPER hi-fi camcorders stationed
in key cubicles, as well as trained dogs that sniff out spy-related
information, determine what's good or not, place said information
into an AICN briefcase (available from the AICN gift store
for $20.95, click here)
and watch as the dogs flee from Lucas's GOONS, dodging bullets
and flying buzzsaws (those animal haters!) and finally rush
it to a jet airplane, where my spies whisk the information
from the dog's mouth (in return for an AICN milkbone, available
for $32.95 here) presumably
leaving the dogs to go back to ILM ranch undetected and undeterred
in determining what's going to happen to BOBA FETT, who I
believe will be an awesome baddy... though Father Geek thinks
I'm wrong... I think I've started rambling... Yes, I'm sure
of it now.
I
haven't used the word SHIT yet. There.
Once
the plane is in the air, I assemble my team of crack fact-checkers,
aka my three OUIJA BOARDS, just to ensure that I don't publish
any false information... though there was that time I published
that list of gay lovers Nicolas Cage had killed... so I was
wrong.... Que Sera... I'm going to bed.... someone wake me
when VIP comes on....
Oh,
and here's YOUR next Anakin:
From
what I gather, his name is Thomas M. Kline... he's 32 years
old... works as an insurance salesman in Indiana... Lucas
likes him 'cause he had some involvement in community theater
right after college where he just brought the house DOWN.
I dunno, let's give him a chance before we crap on him, but
I personally think Paul Thomas Anderson would have been the
better choice (posters of Paul Thomas Anderson available for
$55.99 at the AICN gift
store).
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