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Brandon@LostBrain.com

Even though I know the names of three players on their teams, we should all hail the Orioles.

The Orioles should have been one of the worst teams in baseball history. Looking at their roster, they didn't have one capable star, not one ace pitcher, not a single player that could carry a team and sell tickets. And yet as of today they're only four games out, one game under .500, and one of many reasons that I believe baseball has never been better. They're proving that baseball is more than just spending money to win championships. That teams that do that and win are abberations. The NFL, NBA and NHL should be ashamed that they're trailing so far behind.

Come to think of it, has Major League Baseball ever been in better shape? No, it hasn't. Sure, it has problems that need to be dealt with before they scar the game, such as rampant homophobia, stone-aged general managers and a few teams that can't spend money. Regardless, we've never seen so many stars playing the game at the same time, the fans are out in droves and the teams are more competitive than they've ever been. Look past the Orioles, and you'll see that other teams that have no business playing good baseball that are still in the races, just a month before the All-Star game. The Cubs, Padres, Twins, Marlins, Brewers and Phillies weren't supposed to be fighting for division leads or wild card spots. The cry of the small market team not having the money to fight is finally being ignored, as well it should be.

Maybe fans are starting to realize that money is only a small part of the equation for putting together a winning team. Having a strong developmental system, good management and the foresight to sign good baseball players is what wins games. The Twins are winning because they found the money to hold on to Radke, have two solid pitchers in Eric Milton and Joe Mays, have surprisingly good players in the field, and a decent relief staff.

But what about the Yankees? Didn't they spend their way to winning? No. Their top players were either brought in through their farm system or acquired through trades. Jeter, Posada, Williams, Pettite, Hernandez, Soriano, Martinez, Rivera. Mussina was their first free agent signing since (wait for it) Dave Winfield. And as you'll recall, Winfield went to several postseasons with the Yanks. Yes, the team spends a lot of money and without that trades would have to be made.

And a work stoppage is upon us. Take my advice: Have sympathy for the millionaire players. The owners want to place limits on the amount of money the players can earn, which is an un-American and anti-capilitalist battlecry. The players want, and deserve, the lion's share of the money that the game brings in. If owners claim worry that they won't be able to keep up with the crazed spending with larger market teams, they say that only because they have small penises and terrible farm systems. What has the NFL's salary cap brought to the league? Competitiveness? Hardly. Good players get cut from teams because their salaries can't get fit under a dunce cap. Cheaper players that might not be as good but ask for less dilute the quality of play.

The NBA's players fought this, too, but in the end they gave in and now limits are placed on salaries. They now have bigger problems to deal with, such as a dwindling audience, but they have to be happy that the next dynasty fell into Los Angeles (and it happened, mind you, because a salary cap wasn't in place at the time of Shaq's signing.)

And what about the teams that have low payrolls and can't compete? The Expos, the Pirates, the Devil Rays, the Royals? What are they to do? They should go away, because all of those teams have failed miserably at scouting for years. If they have to vanish, so be it. The fans in the cities who don't go out to see the games shouldn't care, and neither should we.
posted by Brandon Stahl at 8:23:20 PM

These are the ten truths from the Out Letter:.

10) We are long overdue for a discussion of gays in sports. After all, gays in the military was nearly nine years ago.
9) Gay athletes in the four majors will never, ever be able to come out without severe reprocussions. Never.
8) Gays in tennis, golf, track and other secondary sports have been to come out years ago. Most just choose not to.
7) The editor of Out has brought sadism to a new level. The baseball boyfriend is the gimp from Pulp Fiction.
6) If a gay were to come out while still in baseball, football, etc., I just can't buy the argument that he would be the next Jackie Robinson. For starters, there is more than one gay baseball player. There are probaby many. If one came out and faced adversity, there would be probably be a reasonable slide of a few more. He wouldn't be the only one for very long. Second, Jackie came in reletively young and played like a Hall of Famer. It would take a rookie phenom--like Alfonzo Soriano, Albert Pujols, Wade Miller--to do the same, and then they would have to sustain greatness despite this great prejudice. And third, it is distructive to compare the plight of gays to the plight of blacks during civil rights and earlier. It's not a valid comparison. The violence isn't the same, nor are the politics.
5) And it's wrong of the Out editor to make those comparisons.
4) If the player came out, it would certainly be the worst distraction to a sports team since... John Rocker. And the Braves made the playoffs, mostly despite him. If he came out, it would not affect his team's record. Baseball doesn't work that way.
3) Are grown men really afraid a gay man lurking among them in the locker rooms? Probably not. Most of us have no idea who is and who is not gay in a locker room, and most don't care. Those that do spend too much time in their locker rooms.
2) The editor of Out should, however, spend five minutes in a pro locker room so that he can realize what the players fear is that they will have to alienate a known gay player. I don't think any of them would publically criticize or humiliate the guy. They'd just ignore him. That's shame.
1) It's not wrong to try and guess the identity of the player. In fact, I say we hire private investigators in our search. This is the only way we'll complete the apocolypse.
posted by Brandon Stahl at 3:31:35 PM

If you were to combine the outrage and venom-fueled debate over such issues as gays in the military, abortion, gun control, Leonardo Dicaprio interviewing Bill Clinton, and whether Rosie O’Donnell is gay, it wouldn't touch the anger and animosity that has formed over whether or not there is a shortage of qualified tech workers in the U.S. Seriously, bring it up at a party and people will threaten to stab you in the eyes with rusty pitchforks. It’s the reason that I no longer go to parties. That, and my refusal to use deodorant.

Oh, sure, just toss me aside as a smartass who's making this up. But listen, I'm writing an article on this subject, and before I started I thought it was a topic that as bland and milquetoast, as well, milk toast. And now that I'm researching and interviewing interested parties--such power players as Matloff, Freeman, Lazowski, Bynum (a huge workforce development hotshot in Washington)--and I'm finding that people really care passionately about it. Such passion, in fact, that if you asked them to swallow burning cinders to bring people to their side, they’d do it. Sure, they'd die. And people would cast them off as nutcases, but damnit people would be brought to their side.

They care so much that the dean of a prominent engineering school called me a bad journalist just because I asked him if he thought the shortage exists. Another dean called me a loon to suggest that it’s difficult for tech students to find jobs, and another threatened to take out my family. A mild mannered dean only offered to rip my toe nails off with a pair of plyers. Sweet fella.

And here I am, just the shitty editor of a crappy little magazine that no one reads except illegal immigrants trying to pick up tips for staying in the country for a couple more weeks. All I come equipped with in the war are questions. They have actually trained rhinos to gore people who disagree with their sides.

“Is there really a tech shortage?” “Really, even though many companies have hiring freezes going on and others are laying people off like lepers?” “Yeah, but when I call companies and ask if they reject the vast majority of resumes--even qualified candidates--they tell me they do. So if this is true, how can there be a shortage?”

And then I have to respond: “No, I’m not gay.” and that’s usually followed by, “Yes, I do speak English” and of course “No, I’m not mentally retarded.”

Of course, I’m lying through my teeth about the retarded part.

So now I’m just going to try and finish this article without getting hurt. I’ll think twice when I start my car, I’ll always look up at tall buildings to see if there’s a sniper taking aim, I'll make sure that other people taste my food before I eat it, even if that means eating my vegemite. And like the brave journalists before me that entered battlefields and war zones just to report the historic event--just to let the average joe know that yes, indeed, they too were being shot at--I will crawl on my knees through the jungle, raise my tape recorder to the soldier, and ask, heroically “Is there really a shortage of tech workers in the U.S.?” God save my soul.

posted by Brandon Stahl at 9:02:54 PM

Happy Birthday, DUIN magazine. You're 11 going on 12, and gosh darnit you're getting old so fast. And sure, you never write me anymore and I haven't heard from you in two years. And yeah, maybe you've gone through five different sets of parents and maybe a couple of them touched you in appropriate places. And look, I can't apologize enough for giving birth to you in black and white. But just know that your original set of dads loves you, and hopes you grow old enough to outlast Dean Keefer, publish our next great group of writers, and find some crappy j-student a decent internship at Meredith.

As for your next daddy, I hope you accuse him of parental abuse, too:

"...Lewandowski said he found out about DUIN at the activities fair when he was a first-year student.

As a writer, he said he has enjoyed DUIN's laid-back atmosphere and the opportunity to write about virtually anything.

"DUIN is no vanguard of literary excellence, but it is the only forum where it is completely the writer's choice about what is put in," Lewandowski said.

Lewandowski said he is one of a few returning to DUIN who has a "vested interest" in what the magazine means to students on campus. He is pleased to be the editor next year and said, "I can do the job right."

Lewandowski has already begun to develop a theme for the fall edition of DUIN. He appreciates the open forum style of the magazine.

"I know that the creative freedom DUIN allows is not something I will have the rest of my life, so I'll enjoy it while I have it," he said. "It's important to realize that DUIN is an institution at Drake. The people who understand it and appreciate it might not be great in number, but DUIN is what it is, and a lot of people love it because it is uncompromising. And it will always be that way."

"Uncompromising", "creative freedom","vested interest." That's our boy!

posted by Brandon Stahl at 8:40:48 PM

It's may, which means I'm completely addicted to fantasy baseball, and my thoughts center on a dream project that could wisk me away from an ordinary job into one filled with invention. This all means I should be thinking about something else. But it's a dream, so how can I say no?
posted by Brandon Stahl at 9:32:52 PM

This is pathetic. "Sometimes I think you want to fail."
posted by Brandon Stahl at 8:18:25 AM

It’s 3:49 on a Sunday afternoon, and I want to die.

And that’s the joy of boxing. The only way to describe it. I'm dodging a punching bag that's been released at my face. Duck, punch, boom, down. Repeat 20 times and tell yourself there's only 20 more.

I have eleven more minutes to go, and then a shower and then a victory. This is fun.

Three and a half months ago, I made it a mission to get down to my normal body weight, or lose roughly 35 pounds. I’ve got two more pounds to go. I’m a member of a health club. I plunk down fifty bucks a month that I really don’t have and obsess over a body that’s not that important. But I can’t help it. I want to look good. I want people to notice me. It’s something I’ve never had in my life, a chance to look healthy.

The problem with the cardio machines at the gym is that they are all equiped with television monitors, and somehow I could never get past the irony. You can’t push yourself while watching Bob Barker eye his beauties; you can't sweat while watching Oprah chastise her male guests.

I tried most of the gym’s classes, but they weren’t really strenous. I’d take a step class and feel like I should exercise for another hour just to feel tired, and this was thirty pounds ago. Plus (and I have no idea why), men never took the classes, and feeling silly defeats the point of vanity.

And so one day I happened upon the boxing class. I thought it would be like the others, I even did about ten minutes of treadmill beforehand. I didn’t last 15 minutes. I went home barely able to walk, sore and dazed. Erin had to take off my shoes. The pain in feet and ankles was unlike anything I had ever felt.

The instructor plays the part of a drill instructer, punishing and insulting people for not trying hard enough. My own boot camp, except the room is poorly ventillated and smells like sweat and barbeque. Being slow and out of shape, my feet fight my every movement with excrutiating pain. Sometimes it’s so bad I don’t care who sees, I just sit on the floor, biting my wrist, trying to not yell out how bad the pain is.

But the challenge is in fighting through the pain, but also in just trying to be accepted. I’m the slowest person in the class, and probably the weakest. But I don’t care. I just keep going. And eventually, just maybe, I’ll hit someone. Yeah, I've never even thrown a punch at anyone else--I think in my life. I'm not sure I ever will. But that's not the point.
posted by Brandon Stahl at 6:09:47 PM

Who's critical of television? No one should be. We're in a golden age of it. It's never been better. Off the top of my head I can think of ten shows on television that are as good as any show in the history of the box. Wth the exception of sitcoms, the creativity evolution of the medium doesn't look to stop (And most of our current sitcoms would probably be hailed as genius ten, fifteen years ago, before Seinfeld went out and spoiled it for everybody by reinventing televised comedy.

Think this is hyberbole? Let's start from Sunday, we’ve got:

* Jackass
* The Andy Dick Show
* Simpsons (yes, it’s awful now. But last night they showed there's still some fight left in them
* The Sopranos
* TV Funhouse

That's all in one night. And I don't like the X-Files (just a personal preference), but most critics say it's better than ever. The Practice? It's fine and good, but it repeats itself too often.

Monday is a little different. Unless you're a wrestling fan (and the WWF has been awful lately. They've dropped the soap and comedy and replaced it with repitition). But during football season, you still have Monday Night Football. It's sports, sure, but it's better soap than anything on during the day.

Tuesday:
* Angel
* Buffy

Wednesday:
* West Wing
* Law & Order

Thursday:
* Survivor

Friday:
Nothing. It's a dead zone, as it should be. Putting good television on during a friday or saturday night is revolution in reverse.

Saturday:
* Saturday Night Live

That's 13 to 14 hours of television each week. And I left off things that I don’t like that critics praise (Malcolm, CSI, Once & Again)
There are other shows that you just can't help but watch, like Cribs, Crocodile Hunter, Behind the Music, the Daily Show, South Park, NBA, MLB, the list goes on. That's it's all relatively free is astounding.

Movies, on the other hand, are lucky to have one good film a month.

And yet, I have to turn it off. I'd be superhuman if I could stop watching all of it, but I should. Because it takes away all this time and creativity from writing. One day, maybe I can get good enough at this to give to television. It's given so much of itself.
posted by Brandon Stahl at 2:09:45 PM

Today I sat in our publisher's office, chewing on pop culture with him (making fun of Madonna), and then the sales director came in and shut the door, exasperated, tired, hurt. But mostly just sad. His hand was forced to fire a man who's girlfriend just had a baby, and probably for that very reason. It started when he was approached:

"I hear you and your wife are going to have a baby."
"Oh, she's not my wife."
"Well, I thought you were going to have a baby."

And they did. Two weeks ago.

The sales director didn't have a choice, really. When the big man calls and asks "why should I keep this man on payroll a second longer?" you do what you have to. You fight it. You grit your teeth and try to come up with compromise, you scrap together concessions and make calls that might save the new father from such awful pain, but by the end of the day, four hours later, it is done. Eventually, you sit the condemned in front of you and tell him that there are larger moments in life. "Go out with your new baby and you put him in your stroller and take him for a walk." You tell him you're sorry. You probably hold back tears. And then you go home, and you probably cry, because it's just unfair, no matter how we try to rationalize it.

And I reevaluate what's truly important in life. I never come up with the right answers. Happiness equals freedom from tyranny, but work equals money, and money equals tyranny. So how do I reconcile? And why do I stay at a place like this? And where would I go and what would I do? I'm selfish and probably weak to want out of this culture, because there are always people that covet what you have. But today was hard. And there will more days like this.
posted by Brandon Stahl at 10:12:00 AM