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MEMO: Intifa-Ta-Da! Talent Management
To: Amir Farooq, President/CEO
From:
Mohamed al-Saadi, Senior Agent
Hi Amir:
Great news! We just signed the eighth Hussein
stand-in to the agency. As such, I believe we
should proceed with the marketing plan we discussed
during last week's meeting at Tikrit on the
Green.
To recap, twins are a hot commodity. We've seen
it with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and, to a
lesser extent, Tia and Tamara Mowry of "Sister,
Sister" fame. They are cash cows, baby.
And if one goes down because of, say, to arsenic
in the babaganoush, we'll still have another
one to milk.
I've enclosed a sit-com pilot called "Who's
My Baghdaddy?" Basically, it's about septuplets
separated at birth and reunited sixty years
later in a weird twist of fate (Let's just say
it involves a couple of MiGs and some burkas).
Each has a different personality trait (sarcastic,
neurotic, wears an eye-patch) which both annoys
and endears them to one another. Additionally
each week's episode will find them in a wacky
situation (delivering puppies from a pregnant
dog, spending the rent money investing in a
perpetual motion machine, war) in which they
will work together to find a solution and teach
an important moral lesson as well (community
service is good, mustaches are cool, the U.S.
is evil).
As far as family-friendly television goes, I
spoke with David E. Kelly yesterday, and he
is itching to do something with the boys in
this field. We threw around some ideas and the
best one was "8 Rules For Dating My Teenage
Saddams." It's the story of a work-at-home
father dealing with the natural – and often
touching – changes that his five identical
teenage dictators go through as they learn about
love, life, and most importantly, weapons of
mass destruction. We're hoping for this to be
a Joe Piscopo come-back vehicle, but we'll settle
for Peter Scolari.
On the reality T.V. front, I think we've got
a great brand in the Saddam stand-ins, but why
not use them to find other clones? That's right;
I'm talking about our very own "American
Idol" here – "Iraqi Despot!"
We'll have a show where several impoverished
middle-aged men compete for the once-in-a-lifetime
chance to be one of Saddam's body doubles! We
can use Saddam #2 and Saddam #6 as the hosts
and I've already arranged for Uday Hussein –
that's right, Saddam's son – to be the
"Simon Cowell" judge.
Imagine after the talent portion of the competition
Uday cracking, "Horrible! That singing
sounded like the collective screams of the Kurds
my father poisoned with serin gas last month."
Hilarious!
As far as the other two judges are concerned,
I'm meeting with Olivia Newton-John and Tito
Jackson next Wednesday for bagels and botox
to pitch them the show.
And don't worry boss – we're not planning
on pigeon-holing the Saddams only in television
roles. I'm thinking action movies, a boy band
and a cereal for children featuring all eight
doppelgangers as marshmallows. When we're done
with them, every man, woman and child will want
to be a Saddam stand-in.
I'm just not too sure what we'll do when Saddam
is done with them.
Best,
Mohamed
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