|
Nov. 4, 2003
To: Jive Records
From: Brandon Stahl
Re: Britney Spears/Madonna Video "Me
Against the Music"
Colleagues,
Months ago when I heard that Britney Spears
and Madonna were collaborating on a song and
music video, my penis and I were excited about
the furious masturbation that lay ahead. When
the two stars shared a kiss during the MTV Music
Awards, we purchased a tub of Vaseline in anticipation
of the video.
Unfortunately, when we watched the world premiere
of "Me Against the Music," we thought
it would have been easier to masturbate to Weird
Al Yankovich going down on CarrotTop.
Which is why I suggest you act like the current
video never happened and have it re-shot immediately,
following these instructions (as dictated by
my penis):
1) Madonna and Britney should be kissing
during the entire song.
• Specifically, tongues should be visible,
and hands should be carefully exploring and
pinching each other's bodies. Twisting of skin
is also recommended.
• They should be in some sort of exotic
locale, such as a Texas whorehouse, a Parisian
whorehouse, or my bedroom.
2) Britney Spears should be naked.
• Please note: Only Britney should appear
nude. Please keep clothes on Madonna.
• In fact, make sure she wears some sort
of heavy, baggy clothing. And for God's sake,
don't let her rub a cane on her crotch. That
just angered my penis.
3) Don't play the song "Me Against the
Music" during the video for "Me Against
the Music"
• Let's face it: it's a horrible, horrible
song.
• And it's impossible to masturbate to.
• Instead, Madonna should be kissing and
groping Britney in silence.
4) No, wait, Britney should be saying "But
Madonna, I don't know if I want this."
• Yes, that would be much, much better
than playing the song, wouldn't it? "Madonna,
I've never been with a woman before."
• And Madonna could respond with "But
once you try it, you'll love it."
• And then she can coo: "Don't worry,
I'll be gentle"
• But then Madonna so totally wouldn't
be gentle.
5) Madonna should be replaced by that chick
from Harry Potter
• Let's face it: Madonna's not right for
the part. When my penis made the astute observation
that with her muscles and style of dress Madonna
looks a lot like a man, he became scared and
frightened, refusing to come out for days.
In summation, if you carefully follow this
proposal you'll finish with a video so good
it would help control world over population.
And in case you're wondering: I will gladly
let you use my bedroom to re-shoot the video.
However, you'll have to buy your own Vaseline.
|
