Mastering the game

Chess is so much easier when using J. Lo. and Ben as your metaphorical guides.

Learning to play chess? It's not easy, what with all the pieces and moves and strategy involved.

That's why we're explaining how to play chess, using easy-to-remember celebrity metaphors:

The Queen: J. Lo., due to star in the upcoming movie "Gigli!"
Moves: Can go wherever she wants on the board in any direction she desires, but is a total bitch when she does anything.
Power: This makes her the most powerful piece on the board, but also the most vulnerable, because her personality yet limited talent makes her three moves away from being a centerfold spread in Hustler.
Cool. But doesn't she have syphilis? Likely not.

The King: Ben Affleck, due to costar with his queen in the upcoming movie, "Gigli!"
Is it pronounced "Jeelee" or "Jiggly": J. Lo.'s in it. What do you think?
The King can move: in whichever direction he wants and boyishly smirk while doing it.
Power: Limited because he can only move one space at a time, and only when the queen gives him the okay.

The Bishops: They look like boobs, therefore they must be Access Hollywood's Pat O'Brien and Nancy Odell.
What Pat O'Brien said to J. Lo. and Ben during an interview that he'd probably like to take back: "When people see this movie, they're going to see that first time that you see each other in the movie, and it looks like you've fallen in love right there!"
Has Pat actually seen Gigli or even heard the advanced reviews stating that this might be the worst movie of the year? Apparently not.
First question Pat probably asked J. Lo. and Ben: "Hey, how's it feel meeting me?"
What's smarter, Nancy Odell's brain or her legs? My money's on the legs.
Where can the bishops move on the checkerboard?: Oh yeah, chess. Pat and Nancy can move diagonally as many spaces as they want. But their breasts can never move vertically, thanks to their plastic surgeons.

The Castles: J. Lo & Ben's homes
The Summer Home: A 30-acre ranch big enough to hold a fleet of cars, several lavish guest homes, a host of Olympic-sized pools, and half of the queen's ass.
The Winter Home: Being prepped for MTV Cribs, and Ben's Kurt-Cobain like-suicide.
Moves: Horizontally and vertically wherever they want on the board, because the queen equipped her homes with wheels, just in case she decides to leave the King.

The Knights: The guys the queen rides when a vibrator just won't do: J. Lo's ex-boyfriend and fiancé, Puffy and that other guy (I think he was on some sort of Celebrity Survivor show? John Goodman?).
Moves: In strange directions, including up two spaces and over one or up one space and over two, or getting kicked on their ass to the curb when J. Lo becomes bored with them.

The Pawns: Eight total, each with simple tasks: J. Lo's publicist, agent, hairdresser, makeup artist, stylist, manicurist, driver, and the pawn that ensures J. Lo stays a bulimic.
The Pawns can move: Do you honestly care at this point?

The Object of the Game: Protect Affleck from career death: i.e., ensuring that the public (the opponent) doesn't realize Affleck is a mediocre actor just three movies away from being the Center Square.

Just to remind you: despite the tabloid rumors, J. Lo. is still fully aware of where she came from, and requests that you don't forget her humble origins, even as she prepares to eat foods that you and I don't have names for.

Strategies on how protect the King: Affleck is limited due to his mediocre acting ability and inability to grow complete facial hair; thus, he cannot open a film on his own without a black co-star (Samuel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman), a superhero theme, or mass drugging of the movie-going public.

That sounds hard: They don't call chess the hardest game in the world for nothing.

Advanced strategies: When Ben's films begin to bomb, put him in movies with the queen. And when those begin to bomb, plant stories in People magazine that queen is having an affair with Brad Pitt.

How will this help me learn how to play chess? I don't know, but it was probably more entertaining than the upcoming movie "Gigli!"