The Happy Couple

Start them off gently
* Tell them: these things happen.
* That two people who you thought would be together forever have broken up.
* Sometimes people who love each other aren't necessarily meant to be together.
* That doesn't mean love doesn't exist, though.
* And that you shouldn't stop loving J. Lo. and Ben or that either of them won't ever be happy again.

Keep them focused on what's most important
* Tell your kids you still love them.
* And you'll always be there for them.
* And love them.
* That this will pass, and pretty soon they'll never remember any of this ever happened.

Be Honest

* That is, you'll be there for them after you've traveled to New York.
* To see if you can audition to be J. Lo.'s rebound boyfriend.
* Because this is the chance of a lifetime, kids, and no 4- and 6-year-old money suckers are going to stop you from fulfilling your sexual fantasies.
* Remind them: you still love them.
* But not as much as you love the idea of having sex with J. Lo.
* Or sifting through her garbage in the nude.
* And you kids were accidents anyway.

Reassure them that you still love mommy

* Oh yeah, mommy's great
* You know, you'd probably stick around if it wasn't for what you kids did to her during pregnancy.
* Shit, did you have to give her such gigantic stretch marks?
* And it's J. Lo! Just look at her!

Introduce your 500 page J. Lo. photo album

* Seriously, son, wouldn't you want to tap that ass?
* Can you blame me for abandoning everything I've worked for in my life for this one moment?
* Even if that meant not seeing daddy for awhile?
* Or seeing daddy all the time on America's Most Wanted?

Lay out the details of your trip

* You figure you'll only be gone for, at tops, ten years. Maybe 20.
* If J. Lo. says yes to the entire idea of you being her rebound boyfriend, you'll probably get tired of screwing her in three, four years. You'll need to write a book about the experiences, do the New York, get-high-on-coke thing, do the talk show rounds, blab about it on Oprah and Dr. Phil and be back in five years. Six if you want to see if I can parlay all this into bagging the Olsen Twins.
* Six. Definitely six.
* But to be honest, that's a best-case scenario.
* Now, say you get arrested. Then you're talking jail and probably prison.
* And who knows how long you'll be in there.
* But Christ, at least you'll be away from your mother.

Financially, this will be difficult

* This entire trip isn't going to be cheap.
* So you're going to steal their piggy banks.
* And you're going to have sell one or both of the kids on the black market.
* Look at it from J. Lo's point of view: she won't have sex with you if she knows you have kids.
* Tell them: you'll like your new "Slave Labor" Mommy even better.

Assuage their fears

* Getting hit with a baseball bat may hurt a little.
* But it's for your own good: we gotta get out of here before your old mommy gets home.
* She may be planning to go be Ben's in-between girlfriend.
* And we're just not gonna let that happen.

- Brandon Stahl