imMARTHA!

Martha Stewart, President of Nigeria, trusts you to help launder money

FROM: DR. MARTHA STEWART
TO: TRUSTED AMERICAN
REGARDING: URGENT REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE

I AM MARTHA STEWART, CHAIRMAN OF MARTHA STEWART ENTERPRISES, PUBLISHER OF MARTHA STEWART LIVING MAGAZINE, STAR OF MARTHA STEWART LIVING, AUTHOR OF SEVERAL MARTHA STEWART HOME AND GARDENING BOOKS, INTERNATIONAL DIVA AND PRESIDENT OF MARTHA STEWART LAND. AND PROBABLY NIGERIA, TOO.

I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION I AM FORCED TO MAKE. I TRUST ONLY YOU IN THIS MATTER, EXCEPT IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE JEWISH. THEN PLEASE DISREGARD THIS MESSAGE.

I HAVE RECENTLY COME INTO DISTRESS BECAUSE OF A MAN I DO NOT KNOW AND HAVE NEVER ONCE COME INTO CONTACT WITH. LAST WEEK, WHILE HE WAS INSIDE OF ME WHILE TIED TO A TETHERBALL POLE, SAM ADVISED ME TO SELL HIS COMPANY'S STOCK BEFORE IT DROPPED TO NEGATIVE 60 DOLLARS A SHARE. WHEN I LATER DID AS HE DEMANDED, I WAS ACCUSED OF ILLEGALLY TRADING STOCK WITH INSIDE INFORMATION, ALLEGATIONS THAT PERSIST DESPITE MY ASSURANCES THAT THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE.

I NEED YOU, THE MOST TRUSTED PERSON ON THIS PLANET, TO CONFIDENTIALLY FOLLOW THIS PLAN THAT I HAVE CAREFULLY LAID OUT, LIKE SO MANY BED LINENS. FIRST, BUY BACK THIS STOCK FROM THE GROUP I INITIALLY SOLD IT TO: THREE ILLITERATE HISPANIC IMMIGRANT DISHWASHERS THAT WORK IN MY KITCHEN. AFTER KILLING THEM, LAUNDER THE MONEY, RESELL IT, SPRINKLE IT WITH A FLAVORFUL LEMON ZEST AND TOP IT WITH WHIPPED CARAMEL ICING, SHOVE IT INTO A PILLOWCASE DECORATED WITH A FLOWER AND BIRD FEATHER PRINT DESIGN, MAIL IT TO HONG KONG, BURY IT NEXT TO MY ENEMIES. AND THEN SHOOT YOURSELF. AN ANTIQUE CIVIL WAR PISTOL WILL BE PROVIDED.

YOU WILL THEN NEED TO HAVE YOUR BODY DIVIDED INTO SEVERAL SECTIONS. SHIP YOUR LEGS TO THE MAINE STATE HOUSE, YOUR TORSO TO THE GOVERNOR OF CONNECTICUT, YOUR BODY TO THE NYPOST NEWSROOM WITH A NOTE ATTACHED THAT SAYS "YOU'RE NEXT", AND YOUR ARMS MAILED TO ELLEN DEGENERES WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS "SCORN ME, WILL YOU?" YOUR HEAD WILL BE STUFFED, BRONZED AND MOUNTED UNDERNEATH MY DESK, WHICH WILL THEN BE USED TO FULFILL MY ACHING SEXUAL DESIRES. IN RETURN, I WILL GENEROUSLY COMPENSATE YOU WITH A FREE YEAR-LONG SUBSCRIPTION TO MY MAGAZINE AND A COPY OF MY UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY.

REMEMBER: I AM AVERSE TO HAVING MY IMAGE AND CAREER DENTED. I WILL NOT TOLERATE MISTAKES, AND WILL SET FIRE TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IF YOU DO NOT INSTANTLY COMPLY WITH THESE DEMANDS. THIS MATTER SHOULD THEREFORE BE TREATED WITH THE UTMOST SECRECY AND URGENCY IT DESERVES. IF YOU DISOBEY, REALIZE THAT I HAVE ABDUCTED YOUR DAUGHTER. I PLAN TO ENROLL HER IN MY SPECIAL MARTHA STEWART ACADEMY, WHERE SHE WILL LEARN TO BECOME JUST LIKE ME, GROWING UP TO BE HATED AND UNWANTED FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. SHE WILL DIE A LONELY, ANGRY VIRGIN WHO JUST WANTED TO HAVE SOMEONE SAY I LOVE YOU BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED AT NIGHT.

IF YOU DO NOT DO WHAT I DEMAND, SHE WILL BE ENROLLED. IF YOU CONTACT THE POLICE, SHE WILL BE ENROLLED. IF YOU ARE SAM WASKAL OR EVEN RESEMBLE SAM WASKAL OR SOUND LIKE HIM, I LOOK FORWARD TO IMPRISONING YOU IN MY BASEMENT, SERVING YOU NOTHING BUT GRUEL AND EXLAX FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

FEAR, IT'S A GOOD THING.

MARTHA STEWART

-Brandon Stahl