Dear Cherished Web Visitor,

Thank you for visiting my humble little place on the internet. I want to assure my fans that I have never done anything wrong, ever.

Just to prove my innocence, I will now do 100 one-handed pushups while blindfolded. Won't you help me count?

One, Two, Three, Four, Five,

This is so easy, because I am so, so innocent....

Six, Seven,

The government's attempts to turn me into a criminal make no sense to me....

Eight, Nine,

I just returned a phone call from stock broker

10, 11,

That's something thousands of people do day in, day out. Are they turned into criminals? No.

12, 13,

Do FBI agents break into their houses in the middle of the night and raid their underwear drawers, taking them all home as "evidence?" No...

14, 15,

So now I'll fight to clear my name...

16, 17,

And get my underwear back....

18, 19,

Because believe me, it's no joy to be free-balling it....

20, 21,

But I'll show them....

22, 23,

I'll make new underwear out french linens and decorate them with
raspberry pettles....

24, 25,

A raspberry twig sticking in my ass will prove my innocence....

26, 27

Whew. Just because I'm getting tired, doesn't mean I'm not innocent.

28, 99,

Just because I skipped 70 pushups doesn't mean I'm not innocent.

100.

There, 100 pushups: I am innocent, and my ass smells like raspberries.

Martha Stewart

 P.S. I also didn't start monkeypox, that's a nasty rumor.