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Travis and Brandon's Oscar Predictions!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Brandon
Will Win: This is Tom Cruise's award. They'll give him an award
like this to say, "Here you go, this is the closest to Best Actor you'll
ever get. Go back to making blockbusters." Remember Robin Williams (sans
the blockbusters?). Tom's competition is Haley Joel Osment, who carried a good
movie on his back. Put young Jake Lloyd in that role and you've got, "I....
Seee.... Dead... Peo....Pull..... C-3-P-O"
I say it goes to Cruise. Why? Because he's already chanted Scientological curses
against Osment, stunting his growth (the kid is actually 23!) and getting him
beat up in school. No one who gets beat up in school gets an Oscar. Look it up.
Should win: Judaism. Isn't it about time that Jews got the credit they
deserve in Hollywood?
Travis:
Will Win: Tom Cruise? Sorry Brandon. I know you saw Eyes Wide
Shut (which I actually liked). I think the Academy is going to make sure that
dark cloud follows Cruise for a little while—that is, until he's nominated
for Best Stud in MI2!
I think this Best Supporting Actor statuette has Michael Caine written all
over it.
"Good night, you kings of New England, you princes of-" Oh shut up!
That makes me want to throw up. I'm sorry but how can you be a prince and a king?
You can't be both, damnit. In any case, Caine is going to get it, 'cause he's
got the most trembly hands of all the nominees.
Should Win: Gary Bauer for giving his support to John McCain!
Let's hear it for Gary. Yeah! Assholes.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Travis
Will Win: I'm guessing Catherine Keener from BJM has this award
wrapped up. Here's why: Being didn't get nominated for Best Pic, and there will
be many unhappy fans who thought it deserved a bigger nod. The Academy will decide
they've got to throw it something. So when the show's over, Catherine Keener will
be the only veteran of the film with a little statue collecting dust on her shelf.
Should win: Rosie O'Donnell for her beautiful rendition of the classic
Terk in Disney's Tarzan. What style! What poise! Wow did she do a great job scratching
herself!
Brandon
Will Win: Mates, with all the suffering, famine, torture and
brutality that goes on in this world, it will be a travesty when Angelina Jolie
steps to the podium to accept the award. But she will, because her daddy, Jon
Voight, threatened the Academy with a sequel to Anaconda.
Should win: A poem, dedicated to Catherine Keener:
Dearest Catherine, I watched you on the Silver Screen,
As you bagged Malkovich, Diaz and probably Charlie Sheen.
I loved your bitchiness, your wrath, your legs,
You were so beautiful, I wanted to fertilize your eggs.
Alas, I know you're a movie star,
I cannot get close to you, standing behind these steel bars.
I do hope the Oscar goes to you,
your lips so puffy, your hair so true.
During your acceptance speech, please know you'll have a fan,
who's watching you with delight as he's getting anally raped in his can.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Travis
Will Win: This is a tight race between Beauty and BJM,
but my money goes on the latter. Both were excellent screenplays, but Malkovich's
brilliance relied heavily on the strength of the writing, while Beauty's
power came from its performances. What would Malkovich be without the 7 1/2 floor?
Without a woman going into the body of a man, so she can have sex with another
woman? Nothing!
Should win: Message in a Bottle, for this snappy dialogue:
#####
Garrett Blake: I'm sad. I don't think I know what to do.
Theresa Osborne: I can help. I've got a degree.
#####
Will sombody set off the freakin' fireworks please? The woman has a degree!
What writing!
Brandon
Will Win: American Beauty will win the Best Original Screenplay
award for putting forth the truly original idea that suburbia is a prison, and
unless you start lifting weights and have perverse sexual fantasies about a 16-year-old,
you will never break free. Truly ingenious. Why didn't I think of that?
Uh, Oh. It's time for... Brandon's Rant 2000!: Really, what is wrong
with suburban life? Why do movies, television shows, bus benches and porn sites
all feel the need to insult and mock people who live in the suburbs? Benefits
include safety, general friendliness, an abundance of Red Lobsters, Olive Gardens
and Chile's, cheaper rent and less-crowded grocery stores. Films like American
Beauty see the suburbs as a punch line, claiming that we cannot live there without
turning into a mindless, degenerative human hemorrhoid. Yet films also see city
life as crime-ridden, polluted, over-crowded and full of Catholic churches. Please
tell us, Hollywood, where would you prefer we live?
**This message has just arrived from Hollywood:**
Dear Brandon, after carefully reading through "Brandon's Rant 2000!",
we have given much thought to your question of where we "prefer you live."
A team of writers and producers have developed a shanty town in the desert where
we prefer you to live, free of suburbs and inner cities.
- Much thanks, Hollywood
p.s. Your poem to Catherine Keener was disgusting.
Should Win (Best Original Screenplay, in case you forgot which award we
were on): Being John Malkovich, by far the best movie since Fargo
(which was the best movie of the decade).
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Brandon:
Will win: This is a tough one to pick, certainly one of the few
awards that wasn't predictable immediately after it was announced. I think The
Talented Mr. Ripley will pick this one up, as the only way the Academy acknowledges
this astonishingly beautiful and haunting film. I had nightmares for weeks of
Matt Damon falling in love with me, killing me with a boat paddle and then assuming
my identity while living in Rome. Fuckin' scary.
Should win: While the better film was Ripley, I thought the screenplay
for Election was a bitter, mean-spirited romp that took to task high school,
politics, obsession with teenage sex and stigmas with homosexuality-all in one
foul swoop. It presented many of the same themes as American Beauty: Attraction
to teenagers, obsessive-compulsiveness, dealing with boring jobs and sexually
bored spouses, but without using the suburbs as a crutch. Unlike Beauty,
it presented its problems and gave solutions. Election was a terrific movie, overlooked
in Entertainment Weekly's "The Year that Movies Finally Replaced Oxygen
as Our Way to Survive!"
Travis
Will win: Brandon, I can't agree with you more. Ripley
was sewn together like a pair of Elton John's sequin long underwear (there was
more than meets the eye to this star-studed romp through the Mediterrannean).
Anthony Minghella dissected Patricia Highsmith's novel and added scenes to highlight
the complexities of her characters. One of my favorite scenes from the film, the
"Funny Valentine" session, was entirely constructed by Minghella.
Should win: The Insider. Incredible adaptation of a Vanity
Fair article. If they could just do that with my letters to Playboy,
I'd be a happy man.
Next Page: The Biggest Award of the Night,
Best Director!
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