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Travis and Brandon's Oscar Predictions!
BEST DIRECTOR
Travis
Will Win: Sam Mendes for American Beauty, not his Tidy
Cat Commercial. Sam is this year's sweetheart director: young, creative and willing
to film his leading man naked in the shower touching himself. OK, so I can't get
over the Masturbation. That's right, Masturbation with a capital M. We'll see
how Kevin Spacey's career is going five years from now when he's legally blind!
Should win: I was undecided on this one till I got a chance to see The
Insider last week. Wow! What an amazing style. Michael Mann created an intense
movie with a slow-burn effect that had me biting my fingernails from start to
fini. Some have criticized the film for being overlong, (Maltin can't wait to
give this two stars) but I think the intensity of the situations called for Mann's
slow pacing—not to mention the scenes of tobacco company thugs beating up
Richard Simmons. By the time it was over, I wanted to grow up to be Mississippi
State Attorney General.
Brandon
Will Win: I have this sick feeling in my stomach that Miramax
will buy this award. They know Best Picture isn't going to happen, so they'll
go with the next best thing and send Academy voters a gigantic Oscar made out
of chocolate with a note attached, "A sweet vote for Director would be Lasse
Hallstrom's helming of Cider House Rules! P.S. We've abducted your wife
and family, if you want to see them alive, vote Hallstrom." If that doesn't
happen, Mendes gets it, easily. Had The Green Mile's Frank Darabont been
nominated, Mendes would have had mild competition.
M. Night Shyamalan (admit it, you've always wanted to call him "Shyamalan
lamma-ding-dong) has an outside chance with the huge gross of the Sixth Sense.
As it is, I've taken the time to prepare Mendes' acceptance speech:
"I'd like to thank the academy, my mom, God... Uh, I didn't think I was
going to get this award *wink*. I'm really shocked *wink*. I didn't prepare an
acceptance speech *eyelids fall off from excessive winking*. I'd just like to
say that Kevin Spacey masturbating was a big turn-on for me, and my family and
I really enjoyed filming Mena Suvari naked."
Should win: Obviously, I'm a pimp for Being John Malkovich. It
would be delightful to watch Spike Jonze accept the award, because I'm sure he
would be stoned out of his mind and thank his cats during his acceptance speech.
Knowing that will never happen, this is what should take place as Charlton Heston
opens the envelope: "And the winner is... um.. apparently the winner is to
be decided in a steel cage match."
*Loud roar of confusion from the crowd*
"Seriously, it reads: 'I just bought the Academy. Whoever wants the Best
Director prize has to compete in a steel cage, suspended above the audience. Good
luck. Love, Vince McMahon."
Suddenly, a steel cage drops from the ceiling and the directors, wanting the
gold more than Dom DeLuise wants a Whopper, climb inside using a rope ladder.
Once inside, all hell breaks loose.
Results as follows:
Spike Jonze and M. Night Shyamalan begin by teaming up on Mendes, while Lasse
Hallstrom and Michael Mann go mano-a-mano to see who can make the slowest moving
film. Mann, being younger and more agile, grates Hallstrom's face across the cage,
causing blood to squirt out on the audience, including Jack Nicholson. An enraged
and blindly drunk Nicholson strips off his tuxedo jacket and climbs inside the
cage, pummelling Mann using Lara Flynn Boyle as a baseball bat. An autopsy after
the event would show that Mann was suffering from advanced stages of lung cancer.
Meanwhile, Mendes has turned the table on Jonze and Shyamalan, using his tuxedo
to choke Jonze while Shyamalan is incapacitated from Mendes' infamous "Masturbation
Death Hold", much to the delight of the crowd, which has begun chants of
"ECW." Mendes realizes he has the upper hand and he starts the climb
out ofthe cage.
Bob Weinstein, co-dictator of Miramax, watches as Hallstrom's (and Miramax's)
chances of winning any awards that night fade fast. He decides to put a stop to
Mendes' impending victory by grabbing his Best Picture award for Shakespeare
in Love, climbing to the side of the cage to meet Mendes and pummelling him,
sending a bloodied Mendes crashing to the mat below. A tired and battered Lara
Flynn Boyle sees the fallen Mendes and straddles him, bouncing up and down on
his genitals until he agrees to give her a part in his next movie. Suddenly, Boyle
realizes she's involved in a melee with Nicholson. Knowing she cannot be seen
with him in public like this, she slips through one of the holes in the cage and
runs from the auditorium. Police would eventually find her three hours later,
hiding behind bushes on the side of an interstate.
An outraged Nicholson pummels Mendes. "Here's Johnny!" he yells and
the crowd erupts. Jonze, seeing that absolutely no attention is being paid to
him, makes a break for it. The other directors, except a dead Mendes and Mann,
chase after him. Jonze, seeing his moment fade, flings himself from the top of
the cage, down into the orchestra pit below. A bloodied and battered Jonze is
helped to the podium to accept his award. Just as Heston reaches to give the Oscar,
he turns heel and beats him with the gold statuette. The crowd boos and boos,
but a smiling Heston raises his hands in victory.
"Take that you damned dirty apes!" Heston then pulls out a hand gun
and opens fire on the apes from Being John Malkovich, who were backstage
resting after performing a dance routine.
Thus concludes Brandon and Travis's Oscar predictions. If you copy edited this
article, God help you.
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