When War Gets in the Way of an Oscar Recap

Polansky, Brody Unexpected Oscar Winners as Fighting in Iraq Intensifies

Hollywood (AP) -- Chicago, the movie version of the hit Broadway musical, sang and danced it's way to six Oscars at the 75th annual Academy Awards, as up to ten US Marines were killed in heavy fighting in Iraq just hours before the trophies were handed out.

Held in Hollywood's Kodak Theater, this year's Oscars were scaled back, lacking a red carpet entrance for the stars and the usual photo ops for the fans and papparazzi. However, once the ceremonies began Steve Martin lightened the crowd with a monologue that stayed away from mentioning the war, even though the US military encountered its strongest fighting and casualties in the conflict to date.

Because this reporter was much more concerned with the unfolding events in Iraq, he assumes director Roman Polansky was gracious in his speech as he accepted the Best Dicture statue for the Pianist, even as earlier in the day Iraq showed videos of captured American POWs, possibly violating the Geneva convention.

While the Iraqi military held strong at Nasiriya, where in addition to the ten killed at least 12 are believed missing, Nicole Kidman accepted a best actress statue for the Hours

The complete list of winners:

Best Picture: Chicago

Best Actor: Adrian Brody, Gangs of New, I mean the Piani... Earlier today, Al Jazeera showed footage of dead and captured soldiers, five of whom were told to identify themselves and their home states.

Best Director: Martin Something or other... Looks like one of our Patriot missiles intercepted another Iraqi missile headed toward Kuwait.

Best Supporting Actor: Did you hear about that U.S. soldier being questioned in connection with a fatal grenade and small arms attack at a Airborne Division camp? U.S. military officials said 12 soldiers were wounded in the attack, at least five of them seriously.

Apparently the Marine was a Muslim American Protesting the War: Maybe he should have said something before they shipped him out to Iraq, huh?

Best Supporting Actress: I have no idea. Chris Cooper? ... You know, if we're encountering this kind of damage in Nasiriya, what can we expect when we hit Baghdad? Is our country really prepared for the casualties that we'll encounter?

Best Art Direction: But seriously, if Saddam has chemical weapons and the reason that we're going after him is to get rid of those weapons, why hasn't he used them yet? Come on, what's he waiting for? What better time that to use them when someone is invading your country? Could it be because he doesn't have them, Mr. Bush?

Best Original Screenplay: Gangs of New York? Wait, was that even nominated? Maybe it was the Fat Wedding movie. That sounds right.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Can you believe that the government has actually gotten the media to go along with calling this "Operation Iraqi Freedom"? Since when did the media become a mouthpiece for the Bush administration? Couldn't they have grown some balls and given it a neutral name? Or why not just simply call it "The War in Iraq"? Because we're not there for freedom, that's for damned sure.

Best Documentary: Bowling for Columbine (I didn't even have to watch the awards to know that won)

Best Costume Design: Is Al Jazeera a fuck stick or what?

Best Animated Film: Oh how damned shallow can you people be? We're at war over here and you're concerned with who got a statue for a fucking cartoon?

Best Film Editing: Can't you selfish boobs log on to E! and figure it out yourselves? Do I really need to write this for you?

Speaking of E!: I did catch Joan Rivers on the Oscar precast saying that she thought "the troops would want us to continue with the Oscars." Lady, I don't think the troops give a rat's ass about a stupid awards show while they're out fighting for their lives in the middle of a desert.

Best Musical Score: I dunno. Just pick one. They likely won it.

The Rest: Lots of statues for rich white people to boost up their egos.

Now I'm going to: Go back to watching CNN for the 34th hour in a row.

-Brandon Stahl