Life After Five

Seabiscuit and his jockey, before they were eligible for AARP benefits.

You probably already know the story of Seabiscuit: a horse no one thought would amount to anything but glue is ridden by a jockey who no one thought would amount to anything but a glue sniffer. Together, they captivate a nation.

But what happened to Seabiscuit and his jockey after they retired from racing?

1939: Seabiscuit begins retirement life by going back to the office too much thereby creeping out his former co-workers. Desperate to get him to stop coming, his co-workers re-arrange the office furniture and switch coffee brands.

1940: Seabiscuit begins a long and fruitful second career writing angry letters to newspapers across the country.

1940: Seabiscuit gets his first social security check, but blows it all on Aspercream.

1942: Seabiscuit's children drop by for a visit to try to convince him he would be happier in a place with "horses his age." Seabiscuit throws a fit and says he doesn't need to be placed in a home, but ends the argument by crapping in his Depends.

1942: Seabiscuit got a hair transplant to feel young again and hit the bar scene. One night, he thought he came home with a mare, but realized only later that it was a colt.

1943: Seabiscuit and his jockey reunite, fall in love again, complain bitterly about the level of noise at the Shriner's meeting.

1943: Seabiscuit and jockey realize that they were meant to be together forever and marry in a private ceremony away from the prying eye of the media. The honeymoon is spent with Seabiscuit fishing his dentures out of his jockey's ass.

1944: Seabiscuit buys a Winnebago with the desire of "traveling the country, seeing things we've always wanted to see." Seabiscuit's jockey can't believe he spent their life savings without telling him, but their son-in-law, Dr. Seaver (played by Alan Thicke), convinces the squabbling couple that everything will be okay. Maggie cries, Mike makes wisecracks, Tracy Gold starves herself to death.

1945: Seabiscuit drives 15 in a 35 m.p.h. zone.

1946: Seabiscuit and jockey entertain America by rapping in an Adam Sandler movie.

1947: It's the beginning of the end, as Seabiscuit can't remember conversations he had five minutes ago, but can clearly remember President Dewey handily defeating Truman.

1947: Seabiscuit falls down the stairs, shattering his hip. Rather than staying by his side, Seabiscuit's jockey runs away with a philly.

1948: Seabiscuit's greatest accomplishment of the year: eating soup.

1949: Seabiscuit finds his final resting place: holding a model racetrack of popsicle sticks together.