The Long Lost Lyrics, In Their Entirety, to “Chantilly Lace”

Hello baby!
Hello?

Yeah, this is the Big Bopper speaking.
The big what?

Oh you sweet thing.
Do you know what happens to telephone sex offenders in this city?

Do I what?
Will you hold on a second while I call 911 on my cell phone?

Will I what?
You are so busted.

Oh baby you know what I like!

Chantilly lace and a pretty face
And a pony tail hanging down
A wiggle in the walk and giggle in the talk
Makes the world go round
There ain't nothing in the world like a big eyed girl
That makes me act so funny, make me spend my money
Make me feel real loose like a long necked goose
Like a girl, oh baby that's what I like
Uh, yes, that’s very nice.

I’m going to hang up now.
What's that baby

Don’t ever call me again.
But…

Stop talking about my butt!
But…

What’s wrong with you?
But…

Jeez, I wish you’d die in a horrible plane crash.
Oh honey

Okay, I’m sorry, I take that back.
But, oh baby you know what I like.
Yes, I know, you told me already.

Chantilly lace and a pretty face
And a pony tail hanging down
A wiggle in the walk and giggle in the talk
Makes the world go round
There ain't nothing in the world like a big eyed girl
That makes me act so funny, make me spend my money
Make me feel real loose like a long necked goose
The more I think about it, the more I wonder; how has the long-necked goose become a symbol for looseness?
Like a girl, oh baby that's what I like
You know, I think you’ve got some sort of Daddy complex.

What's that honey?
I actually think it’s sort of endearing. What do you say we go out? I can come pick you up, say, 7, 7:30? I’m flexible!

Pick you up at 8 and don't be late?
That’s not what I said at all! Aren’t you listening? I was going to pick YOU up and take YOU out!

But baby I ain't got no money honey
Oh god, forget about it!

Oh alright baby you know what I like
What? You don’t want to go out with me? I don’t understand. If only I knew what was important to you…

Chantilly lace and a pretty face
And a pony tail hanging down
A wiggle in the walk and giggle in the talk
Makes the world go round
There ain't nothing in the world like a big eyed girl
That makes me act so funny, make me spend my money
Make me feel real loose like a long necked goose
Like a girl, oh baby that's what I like

Dial tone.

-Claire Zulkey