Oscar Hits an All-Time Lowe!

Will the Academy Awards saga ever end? Recently, I reported Hilary Swank lost her Oscar to Jennifer Love Hewitt for that inspiring performance in "The Audrey Hepburn Story." But now the TV movie is on the other shoe (huh?). Swank’s husband, Chad Lowe (who still is most famous for getting AIDS and dying at a nauseatingly slow pace on the show Life Goes On), was so completely aghast at his wife’s loss that he agreed to play the title role in "Take Me Home: The John Denver Story."

Airing last Sunday, Robert Rehmey, still president of the Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, found himself this time breaking into Kevin Spacey’s house, stealing the Best Actor Oscar from Kevin's cold, live hand, screaming, “You ever see anyone lip-sync like Lowe? You think 'memberin' the words to 'Thank God I’m a Country Boy' is easy?! I should’ve given Chad the Oscar for 1989’s 'Nobody’s Perfect.' 'Member, he played a tennis-playing girl that was really a guy, just because he loved this girl who played tennis. Its plot had so many twists that if the plot was a titty, it would be called a titty-twister!”

But Kevin Spacey was glad to be rid of the bald, body-hairless trophy. "Jesus, take the fucking thing. I already have one...If it keeps the kid from blowing his brains out, it's the least I can do. I mean, your wife wins an Oscar and suddenly she doesn't remember birthdays. Sex is a chore. I used to be so happy. We used to be so happy." Rehmey openly wept, giving back the famed statuette.

-Eric Butterman