Madonna Didn't Have Sex Last Tuesday

In a public statement, Madonna admitted she didn't have sex last Tuesday. "I was really busy," the "Like a Virgin" crooner said, citing housework as a leading cause. "Do you know how hard it is to get to that shit underneath the refrigerator?" The pop star vowed to be back in the saddle Wednesday, proclaiming an important lesson had been learned. "I won't be going that long without intercourse again. This kind of unfortunate inconsistency will only lead to knowing who the father of your child is."

-Eric Butterman