WHEN I was growing up in the Arnold house during "The Wonder Years," the closest we got to sex was the episode where me and Paul steal "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask" from a bookstore. But now LostBrain has given me the chance to be more open about my sexual knowledge. Fact is, I got a lot of 12-year-old pussy during my time on the set so I probably can be of a lot of help. Just keep your questions to dealing with pre-pubescent lovin' and we'll do just fine.

Hi Fred,

Big fan of "Little Monsters." To be honest, my "monster" is kind of little. Does size matter? If it does, can I have an autographed picture? If it doesn't, can I enter you anally?

Small Randy

Dear Randy,

Growing up in the late sixties was difficult. My dad was always having ulcers and my older brother Wayne was fighting a learning disability that forced him to act out in violent rages. Then it happened. The day my mother declared in a department store after helping me try on a pair of jeans, "There appears to be plenty of room in the crotch." I knew then and there that I had to grow up fastÉSo I bought a prosthetic cock, 13 inches and thick, and I jam it in my partner's love hole until they call me "Kevbo." Maybe you might have similar success. As far as the butt canal, however, I like to be the one steering the gondola.

Hey Fred,

I have a girlfriend that wants us to wait till marriage. But, Fred, I really, really, really want to fuck her. I respect the fact she wants to wait, but I really, really, really want to fuck her. What should I do?

Horny Henry

Dear Horny,

Growing up in the early seventies was difficult. My dad was starting a furniture company and Wayne and him were going through a lot of things. Men, I learned, don't always communicate with a word, sometimes it's through Minwax finish, or sometimes it's just through a tender knowing smile. But I knew they had found a common ground. And Paul knew it, too. That being said, you should tell that bitch to either open that hairy cunt wide for some Henry Ham or go take your bologna to a more willing deli.

Dear Fred,

Did you and Ben Savage ever double team a willing slut? I mean, he's famous, you're famous, put that together and you should be able to get some double-time, right?

Curious Velma

Dear Velma,

I remember when my mom lost all the Arnold receipts during tax time and, despite her fear of what my dad would say, she went to church to pray for the Apollo 13 astronauts who were lost in infinite space. She realized there were worse things than her mistake and if their love was strong enough my dad would understand. Funny thing is, he didn't. He beat her so badly she was in the hospital for three weeks and ended up with horrific kidney failure that had her pissing a tinge of purple for the rest of her sorry days. I hope that answers your question.

If you have a question for Fred Savage Love you can e-mail it to lostbrain@lostbrain.com

-Eric Butterman