Tommy Talks!

We thought Pete Townsend created "Tommy" because he wanted people to say how wonderful it was. Now we know he just wanted a deaf, mute little boy who couldn’t say anything, because, number one, he was mute, and number two, he was a fictional character. But although Tommy was unable to overcome his fictionality, he has learned how to talk through the Billy Bibbit School of Eloquence and how to hear through LostBrain's fictional license. Tommy finally talked with us recently. We don’t know why either:

LostBrain: Tommy, can you hear me?

Tommy: Yes.

LostBrain: Tommy, can you hear me?

Tommy: If you’re going to be punning the album then I’m not going to do this.

LostBrain: That’s better. It’s hard to hear because my cell phone antenna has the same properties as a backscratcher. And I use my backscratcher to scratch my pelvis.

Tommy: That’s a little inappropriate.

LostBrain: Yes, the last thing you want to hear is the word "pelvis." But if we have to talk about pelvises, and, alas, we must talk about pelvises, would you tell us exactly how Pete Townsend used his pelvis, and, in a semi-related question, did he ever sing Elvis when he used his pelvis?

Tommy: I can’t hear you.

LostBrain: Tommy, can you hear me?

Tommy: I can’t hear you because I have my hands over my ears, saying, "I can’t hear you."

LostBrain: That’s better. It’s amazing how easily you can misplace your cell phone when it falls into a crotch that hasn’t been trimmed since Keith Moreland had 100 RBIs.

Tommy: How about I just talk and you don’t ask questions for a while?

LostBrain: Tommy, you are a brave boy.

Tommy: It was late, Pete was tired, cranky. He said he needed inspiration. So, I thought that meant he wanted a Fruit Roll-Up. Pete always liked Fruit Roll-Ups, the cranberry kind, the kind that never sold, the kind that made you vomit strawberry. Pete liked to vomit. And vomit liked Pete, if you know what I mean.

LostBrain: Tommy, can I ask a question?

Tommy: No. Anyway, the first time it happened was in 1973. Pete was on the shitter, it was 5:02pm on a Sunday, and he got up and told me he had an idea. At 5:18pm, he came out of his room with the double album "Quadrophenia." Unlike "Who’s Next," which took 12 minutes to create, this took a little longer, since it was a double album...so he needed 13 minutes to write the songs and three minutes to press the vinyl on his homemade vinyl-making machine which he invented but never shared with anyone, because he can, you know, be like that? After he had finished his creation, Pete asked me if I wanted to play "Hungry Hungry Hippos" and drink some Paul Newman’s Virgin Lemonade. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Paul Newman’s Virgin Lemonade wasn’t invented until the 80’s and this was just an excuse to use the word "virgin." I just want to assure you that you’re absolutely correct. After we started drinking and the hippos got hungry, I saw a look in Pete’s eyes that said he was tired of his hippo just eating little white balls. So then we played Battleship. I remember watching Pete gripping his PT Boat, wondering if he should make his move on me. He did. "B13," he called. I was sunk.

LostBrain: That’s it?

Tommy: I think that’s pretty damning evidence.

LostBrain: What is?

Tommy: I did tell you that he performed fellatio and fingered me anally.

LostBrain: No, you didn’t.

Tommy: Shit, this is why I stopped talking. You know how there’s that one guy at parties who can never tell a story right? The guy who always forgets to say, "And then the rabbi said, ‘Bagels? I thought you were tired of getting it with holes?!’"

LostBrain: When did you stop talking?

Tommy: 1967.

LostBrain: So you were never really a mute?

Tommy: Mute? No, moot.

LostBrain: Moot.

Tommy: Moot. Like in "Jessie’s Girl": ‘I want to tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot?’

LostBrain: This fake interview is over!

Tommy: LostBrain, can you hear me?

LostBrain: (silence)

Tommy: LostBrain, can you hear me?

LostBrain: (louder silence)

Tommy: Oh how I love scratchin’ that itch!