The Chain Gang
Alliance of New York City developers, with close ties to the international cabals of Banana Republic and Starbucks, responsible for
blight of urban blocks from Harlem to SoHo and even Williamsburg. Known to terrorize owners and customers of Mom and Pop stores. (Affiliated with The Barnesandnoblestormers, vagrant layabouts who vandalize coffee table books with blueberry fingerprints.)

The Iowans
Colors: Plaid. Area of control: Rockefeller Center, buses to Sylvia’s. Considered more a nuisance than a threat.

The Latin Restaurant Kings
Alliance headed by Douglas Rodriguez, Zarela Martinez, Alex Garcia, Jimmy Rodriguez. Control: New Yorkers’ minds. Weapon of choice:
Mojitos. Responsible for bringing into city vernacular such gangland terms as “mofongo” and “huitlacoche.”

The Middle Managers
Colors: light blue, khaki. Headquarters: Blimpie’s.

The Times Square Teenyboppers
Highly-trained tween throngs wielding wooden bats tipped with “I LUV JUSTIN” signs. Known for cult-like devotion to their kingpin, Carson
Daly.

The Vows
Ruthlessly powerful couples who control the last pages of the New York Times Sunday “Styles” section.

The Washington Square Park Dog Walkers
Wealthy but unkempt, wielding blue New York Times bags filled with Airedale feces. Police tacitly let them “do their business,” as they
frighten away drug dealers.

The West Side Strollers (East Side counterparts: The Peg Peregos)
Broad association of toddlers who control the area between Lincoln Center and 96th Street. They employ nannies and mommies as “pushers” to help them obstruct pedestrian traffic at Fairway and Zabar’s. Skilled members are groomed for The Times Square Teenyboppers.

- Lynn Harris