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 LostBrain's
Semi-Annual Oscar Predictions (Continued)
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Best Actress Nominees:
- Halle Berry
- Judi Dench
- Nicole Kidman
- Sissy Spacek
- RenŽe Zellweger
Travis' prediction: Sissy Spacek is the favorite in this
category, and for good reason. Not only was she in a great movie
and gave a great performance, but her character got to break a
piece of china in the obligatory-for-oscar-contention fit of rage.
Not to mention the fact that I fear for the safety of the Oscar
crowd, should Spacek not win. I wouldn't want to see the entire
Kodak Theatre spontaneously burst into flames while Renee Zellweger
gives an acceptance speech. It would be cool though, to see Spacek
covered in blood at the podium.
Who should win: It wouldn't be bad to see Kidman win
an Oscar this year, (especially since she's got a vacancy for
a short man in her life) but my feeling is that she's got better
performances stocked away. No, for once the actress who deserves
to win, will win. And if she doesn't the Oscars will turn out
more like an Oscar-Meyer cookout.
Brandon's Prediction: Travis once again drank too much
rubbing alcohol, mixing reality with fantasy. Sissy Spacek doesn't
really have supernatural powers. She played a character that possessed
those in a movie—a movie that played a long, long time ago.
No, the woman you've really got to look out for is Nicole Kidman,
a scientologist with the power to destroy the world with a single
eye blink. And don't think she won't do it. When Sissy is declared
the winner, she'll summon the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard and together
they'll blind the eyes of the non-believers, rip the souls out
of every psychiatrist in the audience and show off her breasts
for a good half hour. Oh, the humanity.
Who Should Win: Of those nominated, I've only seen Kidman
in Moulin Rouge, so it just wouldn't be fair of me to say
that she should win. Let's give it to Bea Arthur, proud participant
in the latest "40 Days, 40 Nights" challenge. Can Bea
withhold her zesty sex from the seductions of lusty, busty threewaying
women? Can she go the whole 40 days and nights without dipping
her wick in a single hot pool of blonde-colored wax? Stay tuned...
Best Supporting Actor Nominees:
- Jim Broadbent
- Ethan Hawke
- Ben Kingsley
- Ian McKellen
- Jon Voight
Brandon's Prediction: My money's on McKellen. All of
my money. I can liquidate assets, too: my car, my wife, my computer,
my jewelry. Whatever it takes. What do you want? Yeah, my entire
family, they're mostly dead, but I can probably get some money
out of them for this bet. You can have what's in my will. So who
wants to bet? Come on. Give me some odds. You want Voight? Oh
yeah, I'll take that. I'll take the Lakers, too. I'll bet on anything.
Will I have a bowel movement at three or four o'clock? Who wants
three? Come on.
Who Should Win: I haven't seen any of this years nominees,
except maybe Ethan Hawke auditioning for the part of "I swear
officer, that's not coke in my back pocket" on the corner
of Ashland and Howard in Chicago. Thus, the award should be granted
to all of the critics who blindly drooled over LOTR, despite it
being the longest movie this side of "Welcome to your rectal
exam!" If I could convince them to give the same amount of
praise to my upcoming self-help book: "How to convince your
neighbors you're about to kill them so they'll all move away"
I'd be a rich, rich man.
Travis' Prediction: Jon Voight... that reminds me...
I recently saw a really cool punk-rock-a-billy band in Nashville
called the Legendary Shack Shakers. They did this funky
show which involved singing, dancing, preaching and many of the
bodily fluids of the lead singer, JD. Their rhythm
guitarist was the spitting image of Jon Voight in Midnight
Cowboy. It was really cool. Not important, just cool.
Brandon's right. Sir Ian McKellen will win this one, but only
for two reasons. First, because the academy wants to make up for
snubbing him for his performance as Magneto, Master of Magnetism.
Second, because he resisted the temptation to crush all of the
hobbits to death with his enormous hat. I'm telling you, I would
have done it. Little fuckers.
Who should win: This is one category where I'm not really
qualified to make "who should win" prediction. For that
reason, I'll instead make a "who should die a painful, tortured
death" prediction. For that category, I'd have to immediately
pick Jim Broadbent. (What can I say. His name was the first one
on the list) So it shall be done.
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