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 LostBrain's
Semi-Annual Oscar Predictions (Continued)
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Best Supporting Actress Category Nominees:
- Jennifer Connelly
- Helen Mirren
- Maggie Smith
- Marisa Tomei
- Kate Winslet
Travis' Prediction: Roughly 50 years ago Marissa Tomei
won an Oscar for her role in My Cousin Vinny. Since then
she has also collected a Nobel Prize for her work in theoretical
quantum physics, a grammy, two Pulitzers, honorary knighthood
and she's the heavyweight wrestling champion of the world. Jennifer
Connelly will win this one.
Who should win: I don't know about you, but the scantily-clad
model in the X-10 wireless video camera pop-up ads stole my heart
this year! The arched back, the pouty lips, the "I don't
know some 14-year-old pervert is secretly recording me while I
do nude yoga in my living room" look on her face. I've got
to say it right now. The camera loves her!
Brandon's Prediction: This looks like the toughest one
of the major awards to call, with five completely qualified and
hot women competing for the statuette (Maggie Smith, I'm drooling
at you!) But that's only to the uninformed viewer. To someone
like me, someone who has stolen Oscar statues in years past, someone
who regularly bribes voters with promises that "I'll so totally
leave you alone forever if you vote for Sean Penn", I know that
this year's winner will be Jennifer Connelly. How do I know this?
Because I'm the guy that types out the winners in that little
envelope you see every year. And even though they told me to type
in Kate Winslet, I prefer Connelly's breasts, so she wins this
year.
Who Should Win: Once again, I haven't seen any of this
year's nominees. So I say give it to SpongeBob Squarepants? Who?
He Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea!
Spongebob SquarePants!
He's Happy and Porous and Clean as Can Be!
Spongebob Square Pants!
If you get that theme song in your head, I swear you'll try
to commit suicide. It happened to me, but eating an entire bucket
of Popeye's chicken just put me in a coma for a week. I bled grease
for a month.
Best Director Nominees:
- Ron Howard
- Ridley Scott
- Robert Altman
- Peter Jackson
- David Lynch
Brandon's Prediction: History says the director of the
three-hour epic will win, and it probably won't be any different
this year. But just for the sake of argument, let's say that the
complete and total longshot David Lynch wins the award. What will
happen? Apocalypse, to start. Your dog will start humping your
cat as he thanks the academy. As Lynch recognizes the hard work
of his actors, the pope will don a condom as he seduces a nun.
After Lynch talks about the value of creative vision in film,
thousands of Palestinians will suddenly convert to Judaism.
Let's just hope that I'm right and Jackson wins it.
Who Should Win: Really, I could care less. I just scored
an Access Hollywood script previewing (a feature on Ron Howard)
and it's made me realize that life just isn't worth making fun
of anymore.
To whit: "From playing Opie on the Andy Griffith show, to Richie
Cunningham on Happy Days, to stealing kisses with Bruce Willis
on Moonlighting, little Ronnie Howard is all grown up and Directing!
"
Note For Pat O'Brien from scriptwriter: Put the inflection at
the end when you say "Directing!" diRECTing! It's worth an extra
ratings point. Extra Note: Don't forget to put more grease on
your hair. It's worth another ratings point. Continued... "Ron
is even trying to score a coveted golden Oscar statuette with
his latest work, A BEAUUUTIFUL Mind, which stars Aussie BAD Boy
Russell Crowe, who puts the siz in the story of schizophrenic
math guru John Nash. Will Ron rise from being inappropriately
touched by Andy Griffith to claiming Hollywood's directing throne?"
Note For Pat: Listen, you may want to get tested for HIV. I had
this strange visit from Liberace the other night, and he told
me about some of the things the two of you did.
Travis's Prediction: I have to get something off my chest.
It's the kind of anger a man can harbor for years, slowly eating
away at the more squishy parts of his soul. For all you middle
earth dwellers out there, nursing your Frodo Baggins sippy cups
and playing with your new Gandalf home botox kit, I have seven
words. "Meet the Feebles," directed by Peter Jackson.
This is a film where muppets have sex on screen. Directors who
abuse their audiences by making them watch muppets having sex
should not win Oscars. Therefore, Opie will win.
Who Deserves to win: You, the reader of LostBrain.com,
for reading this agonizingly long story.
Brandon: Kiss ass.
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