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| Oscar Predictions |
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LostBrain's Semi-Annual Oscar Predictions Best Picture Nominees:
Travis's prediction: What should win: As with all contests there are the winners and there are the Canadian figure skaters who actually deserve to win. In the Bedroom turned traditional storytelling on its ear. Up until I saw this film I was convinced that Memento deserved the top nod for nearly the same reason. However, during Memento, you're constantly aware of the chicanery going on behind the curtain. You never become detached from the reverse flow of the story. Memento was just a great story told backwards, with a killer beginning. In the Bedroom is not only a great tragedy, but it throws out the rulebook on screenwriting and plot development. It proves that there is more than one formula to successfully write a screenplay. Brandon's Predictions: Before we begin, I'd just like to start off by talking a little trash. Two years ago, when we proved to the world that we were the funniest non-Germans to try our hand at predicting the academy awards, I was able to make far more correct predictions than you, Travis. An accomplishment that, frankly,will head my obituary. And what did I owe to my success? A then unheard-of psychic by the name of Cleo. Miss Cleo. I rode her and her supernatural abilities to five out of seven correct predictions, breaking the Guiness World Record by five. It was a joyous time, as we celebrated that night with a wild, lust crazed romp through the streets of Chicago, correctly predicting when people would die, and then shooting them. We drank their blood and sang Bob Marley songs—as is Jamaican custom. Alas, Cleo rode her success a little further and is now the world's most celebrated psychic. She's making millions and sought by many, including the federal government. And though I rot in obscurity, ruing the day I gave her fame and wealth, I at least take comfort in her urinating on her security blanket, which I stole from her on that cold April night many years ago. Anyway, What will win: With Cleo gone, I called up the next best psychic to make this important prediction: Liberace. Though he's dead and his corpse riddled with syphilis, he still made what I think is the correct prophecy of the night: A Beautiful Mind. "But," said Liberace. "The joke's on John Nash. All those years that he thought the government was chasing him was actually me—trying to warn him to test for HIV." I guess the producers of A Beautiful Mind left a little something else out of the movie, eh? What Should Win: I've only seen two nominees, one of those LOTR. I caught it back when it opened, and my ass STILL hurts. The longest three hours of my life. ESPN movies have been more fun to sit through. I've also caught Moulin Rouge, though I was sober for the viewing and the effect was lost on me. No, I think for this year's award we should reach all the way back and hand the coveted statue to Wrestlemania 3. Remember when Hulk bodyslammed Andre the Giant, then dropped the big leg on him and counted one, two, three? A moment that I replayed over and over againÑsending numerous friends to their deaths.
Best Actor Nominees (in order of goat-ranching ability):
Brandon: Will Win: A lot of people keep saying that the academy will award Crowe, essentially apologizing for overlooking his performance in the Insider. But, I ask, didn't they do that last year when they gave him the award for Gladiator, a movie that he grunted his way through? So why do they still feel so bad for him and his millions that they have to award him again? I think the real story here is that the Academy wants to see Russell beat the living daylight out of some poor National Enquirer reporter "Mr. Crowe, to what do you attribute your success?" "I think the real question is here is why you interrupted my thought process during my acceptance speech." "I'm not sure what you're talking about, sir." "You called me Charlie and then you spit right in my face." "No, I, no I didn't." "Maggot! I'm gonna twist out your tongue and use it to paint my house you animals! You'll never work in Hollywood again!" "Please don't hurt me. This isn't my full time job. I work at Dairy Queen during the summers and need the money." Should Win: I haven't seen any of this year's nominee's (though I'm pretty sure that was Sean Penn I saw holding up a Shell Gas Station the other night. Come on buddy, admit it was you), so I say give the award to Jared from the Subway commercials. Well, not Jared, but the 257 pounds of lost fat. Sure, we praise Jared for achieving stardom through starvation, but have we become such a depraved society that we conveniently forget about the fat that Jarred so conveniently left behind?
Travis:
Now, on with my prediction for Best Actor: Tom Hanks wasn't in a single movie released in 2001. Anthony Hopkins ate a dude's brain on screen. Will Smith was responsible for Wild, Wild West. Elijah Woods is really short. Plus most of the people I just named weren't even nominated this year. History has shown that all of these things tend to hurt your chances on Oscar night. So, we should consider what helps an actor's chances of taking home a statue of a small naked man. The academy likes portrayals of individuals who are mentally disabled. That narrows us down to Sean Penn and Russel Crowe. No one likes Sean Penn, so Crowe's our man. And now, another edition of Travis berating actors for making bad career decisions: Two years ago I incorrectly predicted that Kevin Spacey would become the next Tom Hanks. This prediction had nothing to do with Spacey's plan to dress like a woman and move into an all-female housing complex. I thought he would star in a string of good movies and collect enough Oscars to put on his own miniature productions of the Full Monty. What I did not realize was that Spacey has been picking his scripts out of Robin Williams' trashcan. My other fear was that Spacey might be type-cast as a habitual onscreen masturbator. That prediction does seem to have come true. Who deserves to win? While Crowe may be considered the best actor of his time, Wilkenson gave us the performance of his life this year. Wilkenson went beyond the elements of acting and bore part of his soul on the screen. In the Bedroom was a film where great storytelling was accomplished in scenes without any spoken dialogue. The old Brit is a master of silent emotion. Probably not too surprising considering how outwardly emotional most Brits tend not to be. It's just too bad he didn't stay silent when given the opportunity to star in Black Knight. Best Actress Nominees:
Travis' prediction: Sissy Spacek is the favorite in this category, and for good reason. Not only was she in a great movie and gave a great performance, but her character got to break a piece of china in the obligatory-for-oscar-contention fit of rage. Not to mention the fact that I fear for the safety of the Oscar crowd, should Spacek not win. I wouldn't want to see the entire Kodak Theatre spontaneously burst into flames while Renee Zellweger gives an acceptance speech. It would be cool though, to see Spacek covered in blood at the podium. Who should win: It wouldn't be bad to see Kidman win an Oscar this year, (especially since she's got a vacancy for a short man in her life) but my feeling is that she's got better performances stocked away. No, for once the actress who deserves to win, will win. And if she doesn't the Oscars will turn out more like an Oscar-Meyer cookout. Brandon's Prediction: Travis once again drank too much rubbing alcohol, mixing reality with fantasy. Sissy Spacek doesn't really have supernatural powers. She played a character that possessed those in a movie—a movie that played a long, long time ago. No, the woman you've really got to look out for is Nicole Kidman, a scientologist with the power to destroy the world with a single eye blink. And don't think she won't do it. When Sissy is declared the winner, she'll summon the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard and together they'll blind the eyes of the non-believers, rip the souls out of every psychiatrist in the audience and show off her breasts for a good half hour. Oh, the humanity. Who Should Win: Of those nominated, I've only seen Kidman in Moulin Rouge, so it just wouldn't be fair of me to say that she should win. Let's give it to Bea Arthur, proud participant in the latest "40 Days, 40 Nights" challenge. Can Bea withhold her zesty sex from the seductions of lusty, busty threewaying women? Can she go the whole 40 days and nights without dipping her wick in a single hot pool of blonde-colored wax? Stay tuned...
Best Supporting Actor Nominees:
Brandon's Prediction: My money's on McKellen. All of my money. I can liquidate assets, too: my car, my wife, my computer, my jewelry. Whatever it takes. What do you want? Yeah, my entire family, they're mostly dead, but I can probably get some money out of them for this bet. You can have what's in my will. So who wants to bet? Come on. Give me some odds. You want Voight? Oh yeah, I'll take that. I'll take the Lakers, too. I'll bet on anything. Will I have a bowel movement at three or four o'clock? Who wants three? Come on. Who Should Win: I haven't seen any of this years nominees, except maybe Ethan Hawke auditioning for the part of "I swear officer, that's not coke in my back pocket" on the corner of Ashland and Howard in Chicago. Thus, the award should be granted to all of the critics who blindly drooled over LOTR, despite it being the longest movie this side of "Welcome to your rectal exam!" If I could convince them to give the same amount of praise to my upcoming self-help book: "How to convince your neighbors you're about to kill them so they'll all move away" I'd be a rich, rich man.
Travis' Prediction: Jon Voight... that reminds me... I recently saw a really cool punk-rock-a-billy band in Nashville called the Legendary Shack Shakers. They did this funky show which involved singing, dancing, preaching and many of the bodily fluids of the lead singer, JD. Their rhythm guitarist was the spitting image of Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy. It was really cool. Not important, just cool. Brandon's right. Sir Ian McKellen will win this one, but only for two reasons. First, because the academy wants to make up for snubbing him for his performance as Magneto, Master of Magnetism. Second, because he resisted the temptation to crush all of the hobbits to death with his enormous hat. I'm telling you, I would have done it. Little fuckers. Who should win: This is one category where I'm not really qualified to make "who should win" prediction. For that reason, I'll instead make a "who should die a painful, tortured death" prediction. For that category, I'd have to immediately pick Jim Broadbent. (What can I say. His name was the first one on the list) So it shall be done. Best Supporting Actress Category Nominees:
Travis' Prediction: Roughly 50 years ago Marissa Tomei won an Oscar for her role in My Cousin Vinny. Since then she has also collected a Nobel Prize for her work in theoretical quantum physics, a grammy, two Pulitzers, honorary knighthood and she's the heavyweight wrestling champion of the world. Jennifer Connelly will win this one. Who should win: I don't know about you, but the scantily-clad model in the X-10 wireless video camera pop-up ads stole my heart this year! The arched back, the pouty lips, the "I don't know some 14-year-old pervert is secretly recording me while I do nude yoga in my living room" look on her face. I've got to say it right now. The camera loves her! Brandon's Prediction: This looks like the toughest one of the major awards to call, with five completely qualified and hot women competing for the statuette (Maggie Smith, I'm drooling at you!) But that's only to the uninformed viewer. To someone like me, someone who has stolen Oscar statues in years past, someone who regularly bribes voters with promises that "I'll so totally leave you alone forever if you vote for Sean Penn", I know that this year's winner will be Jennifer Connelly. How do I know this? Because I'm the guy that types out the winners in that little envelope you see every year. And even though they told me to type in Kate Winslet, I prefer Connelly's breasts, so she wins this year. Who Should Win: Once again, I haven't seen any of this year's nominees. So I say give it to SpongeBob Squarepants? Who?
If you get that theme song in your head, I swear you'll try to commit suicide. It happened to me, but eating an entire bucket of Popeye's chicken just put me in a coma for a week. I bled grease for a month. Best Director Nominees:
Brandon's Prediction: History says the director of the three-hour epic will win, and it probably won't be any different this year. But just for the sake of argument, let's say that the complete and total longshot David Lynch wins the award. What will happen? Apocalypse, to start. Your dog will start humping your cat as he thanks the academy. As Lynch recognizes the hard work of his actors, the pope will don a condom as he seduces a nun. After Lynch talks about the value of creative vision in film, thousands of Palestinians will suddenly convert to Judaism. Let's just hope that I'm right and Jackson wins it. Who Should Win: Really, I could care less. I just scored an Access Hollywood script previewing (a feature on Ron Howard) and it's made me realize that life just isn't worth making fun of anymore. To whit: "From playing Opie on the Andy Griffith show, to Richie Cunningham on Happy Days, to stealing kisses with Bruce Willis on Moonlighting, little Ronnie Howard is all grown up and Directing! " Note For Pat O'Brien from scriptwriter: Put the inflection at the end when you say "Directing!" diRECTing! It's worth an extra ratings point. Extra Note: Don't forget to put more grease on your hair. It's worth another ratings point. Continued... "Ron is even trying to score a coveted golden Oscar statuette with his latest work, A BEAUUUTIFUL Mind, which stars Aussie BAD Boy Russell Crowe, who puts the siz in the story of schizophrenic math guru John Nash. Will Ron rise from being inappropriately touched by Andy Griffith to claiming Hollywood's directing throne?" Note For Pat: Listen, you may want to get tested for HIV. I had this strange visit from Liberace the other night, and he told me about some of the things the two of you did. Travis's Prediction: I have to get something off my chest. It's the kind of anger a man can harbor for years, slowly eating away at the more squishy parts of his soul. For all you middle earth dwellers out there, nursing your Frodo Baggins sippy cups and playing with your new Gandalf home botox kit, I have seven words. "Meet the Feebles," directed by Peter Jackson. This is a film where muppets have sex on screen. Directors who abuse their audiences by making them watch muppets having sex should not win Oscars. Therefore, Opie will win. Who Deserves to win: You, the reader of LostBrain.com, for reading this agonizingly long story. Brandon: Kiss ass.
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