Passions: The Lost Ending

With the release of Mel Gibson's long-awaited "The Passion of the Christ," LostBrain has uncovered the last holy pages from the screenplay. We got it off the back of Jesus' Ford F-150:

INT. CAVE - DAY

Jesus hums "If I Had a Hammer." Paul enters.

Jesus: Hey, Paul, how many Jews does it take to screw a light bulb?

Paul: Jesus, light bulbs haven't been invented yet.

Jesus: Hey, I'm about to get killed. I'm trying to find the humor. That's what us Jews do. We're funny. And we're cheap. Really cheap. I mean, I'd slit your throat for what's under your couch cushion, even though couches haven't been invented yet.

Paul: Sorry. Hey, here comes Apostle Wallace.

Wallace: Every man dies, but not every man really lives...to get out racist views of Jews that will further denigrate them in a society that already discriminates against them and veil it under the guise of an artistic motion picture. But, don't take my word for it, here's Police Officer...

Murtaugh: Damn, I'm too old for this shiiiitttt. I'm too old to see the day when Jews can be allowed to have secret surgery at birth that shears off their horns and makes them appear to be just like us. They're not. They got Jew Jelly. I'm telling you, slather them with peanut butter and they're damn delicious.

Jesus: But, c'mon, they don't really have horns...Wait, is that Nick Marshall from "What Women Want?"

Nick: You know what women want? They want a penis that's bigger than their pinky. And that's how big a Jew's penis is at most.

Jesus: But what about Ron Jeremy?

Nick (sings): What a girl wants, what a girl needs...

Jesus: Stop looking directly at me!

Murtaugh: Oh God, it's The Man Without a Face! Damn you're one ugly son of a bitch!

MWAF: I know. The only thing uglier are...

Jesus/Murtaugh/Nick: Jews!!!!!!

Graham: They're coming! From the sky!

Jesus: Reverend Graham from "Signs?" Don't tell me...Jews?

Graham: Why yes! I tried to tell my son Morgan how his momma said he was the most beautiful thing when she was birthing him, but it didn't make him feel better. It worked with the aliens, but these are Jews! Jews there is no story for.

The objects from the sky come down.

Graham: Why, that ain't a Jew! It's Lieutenant Colonel Moore from "We Were Soldiers!"

Lt. Col. Moore: I've been told to get everyone out of here. Them's Jews afoot. Everyone in the 'copter! No, not you, silly Jesus. You have to stay behind and get killed by the Romans. Then we have to use our love of Italian leather and our hatred of Jews to blame it on those rascally rabbinical rabbits. We were soldiers. We were soldiers in Vietnam and I knew there were only two things that would get me back home to my wife -- Jesus and pretending them gooks were Jews. Sure, I hate gooks plenty, but nothing boils my butter more than a Jew...Except for not turning your cell phone off before the movie.

Suddenly, all the characters join hands.

Everyone: Don't be a dirty Jew, turn your cell phone off.

Jesus: And tell them Jesus sentcha!

They all wink.

-The End-