• A winner says, “Gosh, I don’t know who to thank,” only to begin immediately thanking people.
  
• Bill Murray screams during his acceptance speech, “Come on guys! I’m being serious!”
  
• Sean Penn says, “One time, in Baghdad…”
  
• Charlize Theron—looking absolutely splendidly dolled up—fails to recognize the implicit irony in reminding audience members that beauty is only skin-deep.
  
• You see a commercial for New Zealand tourism.
  
• You don’t know what a particular category means.
  
• Tom Cruise is caught giving the “Call Me” hand gesture to Nicole Kidman.
  
• Sandra Bullock looks like she belongs there.
  
• The “Visual Effects” winners urge viewers to check out a new website.
  
• Cameron Diaz is caught whispering, “But seriously: I guess I can see a house being made out of sand…but fog, too?”
  
• If the recipients of the Best Makeup Oscar are the ugliest people in the room.
  
• Seabiscuit wins anything.

• Presenters trip on their way to the podium and then attempt to save-face by blaming it on their $10,000 heels.
  
• Russell Crowe shaves.
  
• Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, and Johnny Depp don’t talk about President Bush.
  
• Joan Rivers says, “Bill Murray is SO hot right now.”
  
• Tom Hanks is caught dozing off.
  
• Peter Jackson’s collar can’t completely get around his neck.
  
• Billy Crystal and Jack Nicholson are seen making out.
  
• Cameron Diaz keeps looking at her watch to see when she start drinking and go bitch-slap Sofia Coppola.
  
• You catch losers flipping off the winners during the acceptance speeches.
  
• Johnny Depp talks about the purity of life in France, then praises corporate behemoth Disney for their work on “Pirates of the Caribbean.”
  
• Kate Winslet is caught blowing kisses towards Leonardo Dicaprio.

• Someone yells out “I’m the king of the world!”
  
• Drew Barrymore fails to get some ass at one of the post-awards parties.
  
• Someone praises Cold Mountain for “forcing us to reexamine some of the good things that came out of the Confederacy.”
  
• Anyone from “Lord of the Rings” says, “I want to thank all the little people” with a straight face.
  
• The computer geeks responsible for the Best Animated Feature nominations are seen wrestling in the aisles.
  
• Someone is seen mouthing, “I can’t believe I’m missing the final Sex in the City for this.”

• Maintain your buzz by:
  
• Drinking through the entire acceptance speech for Film Editing.
  
• Drinking at any mention of Finding Nemo, then proclaim that you can “drink like a fish.”

• Seabiscuit wins anything, and proclaim on the way to the john that you have to “pee like a racehorse.”

-or-

• If a winner says, “I just want to use this moment to,” then use that moment to go to the bathroom.