Contestant Application

Are you hot? Cause if you are, turn around baby. Lorenzo Lamas wants to check out your ass. Fill out this application, and get one step closer to realizing your dream of being deemed “The hottest person in America.”

Note: Talent, personality and strategy are not required for this competition, just physical beauty, lack of visible scars, strategically placed moles, innate sexiness and the desire to be the hottest. In fact, your inability to read or write does not disqualify you from participation. If you need help filling out this form, we’ll send an ugly person to instruct you.

Before we can give you the once over, we just need you to fill out a few questions below. Please put a checkmark in the appropriate spot.

1. At what age did you realize that you were hot?
   ___ Y
   ___ N
   
   
2. How many times have you appeared nude in the following:
   a. on film: ____
   b. in still photos: ____
   c. on a jumbotron: ____
   d. in line at "Pirates of the Caribbean": ____
   
   
3. Which hot celebrity do you think you resemble most?
   

   	___ Sarah Michelle Gellar (as she appears in "Buffy The Vampire Slayer")
   	___ Sarah Michelle Gellar (as she appears in "Scooby Doo”)
   	___ Sarah Michelle Gellar (as she appears in "I Know What You Did Last Summer")
   	___ Taye Diggs

   
   
4. Have you ever been convicted of committing a felony?
       ___ Y
       ___ N
   
   a. If you answered Y in question 4, did you mean Y as in “Yes”
       ___Y
       ___N
   
   b. Exactly how hot are you again?
       ___really hot
       ___I have big tits. (checking both is OK)
   
   c. If you checked any of the options in section 4b, would you be willing to    wear a thong on television?
       ___ Y
       ___ N
   
   d. Would you be willing to wear a thong in the front seat of Lorenzo Lamas’     Buick Skylark?
       ___ Y
       ___ N
   
   Note: If you checked "Y" in each of the questions in part 4, we can let that little felony thing slide. Also: Arsonists are hot
   
   
5. Have you ever had a restraining order filed against you?
   ___ Y
   ___ N
   
   a. Was the person who filed it ugly or hot?
       ___ ugly
       ___ hot
   
   b. Do you have a tape of your appearance on "Judge Joe Brown"?
       ___ Y
       ___ N
   
   
6. Lorenzo Lamas has a 3-inch penis. If you're judged to be hot, you will sleep with him anyway, right?
   ___ Y
   ___ N
   
   Note: If you are not deemed to be hot, please stay away from Mr. Lamas' penis.
   
   
7. Hot?
   
   
8. Hot hot hot hummma-humma-lamma ding-dong hot?
   
   
9. How do other people describe you:
   ___ Hot
   ___ Way Hot
   ___ Woo Daddy Hot
   ___ The world's best lay
   
   
10. Your phone number is written above approximately how many mens' urinals accompanied by an illustration of male genitalia?
    ___ 0-5
    ___ 6-10
    ___ every ESPN SportsZone
    
    
11. Please put a check next to the things that turn you on:
    ___ Lorenzo Lamas
    ___ Lorenzo Lamas’ Buick Skylark
    
    
    Please return the ugly person to ABC Studios after you complete this application.