Biography: Crusty Johnson

With more than 4,000 individual episodes in the can,  A&E's popular Biography is running out of famous people to profile. Here's the transcript of a recent show, illustrating just how hard up they are for celebrity subjects:

TRANSCRIPT
A&E Presents:
Biography
Crusty Johnson

[Enter Jack Perkins:]
JP- I'm Jack Perkins, and this is Biography.

"Shellfish Loves" Don't watch this episode of Biography.

[Perkins walks to chair, rests hand on back of chair]
JP- Some people say that the 1970's was the golden age of pornographic movies. John Holmes, Maryln Chambers, Behind the Green Door. The list goes on and on. But most notably, hardcore pornography became more widely produced in the 1970's than ever before.

Behind all the glitz and glamour of the new hardcore scene, was one man, the filthyest of them all: Crusty Johnson. [chuckles] And I do mean filthy!

[cut to old-timey photo montage with narration by Jack Perkins]
JP- Yes, Crusty was known throughout the porn industry as the dirtiest, most disgusting, least hygienic porn star in the business. Unwilling to shower, sometimes for months, [laughs] he often had problems peeling off his rank clothing before filming could begin. Most dressing rooms had to be fumigated after a visit from Crusty, and that's not all.

[cut to Busty Bottoms, retired porn actress]
BB- Crusty would pull his pants down and I swear, the whole freakin set would start to reek. My gawd! And I swear, there was one time I was pulling his jockeys off, and he had barnacles on his happy sack!

[cut to Mike Seymour, California State Park Service Ecologist, in uniform out in the woods]
MS- Those weren't barnacles on his testes. They were zebra mussels. An invasive species from Southeast Asia. How that sick bastard got them attached to his scrotum, I don't ever want to find out. Now they're rampant in every stream in California. They've made it as far east as the Great Lakes. We've been fighting them for years.

[cut to Ole Sea Captain]
OSC- Aye! They're a bitch!

[cut to vacation photos of Crusty in Singapore with Jack Perkins narration]
JP- It turns out Crusty picked up the zebra mussels on an extended vacation in Singapore. Known amongst the locals as “"Quay Teo Wa Wa,"  Crusty probably wouldn't have been surprised to learn that this name translates to "One who sits in septic ditch all day with no pants on."

[Cut to Jack Perkins, Somber Music]
JP- But sitting in septic ditches in southeast asia wasn't all fun an games. In 1974 Janey Bobbles, internationally renowned for her acrobatic tongue, caught Polio after performing fellatio on Crusty Johnson for the film, "One Blew the Coo Coo's Nest."

[cut to Janey Bobbles in an Iron Lung]
JB- Can someone please get me out of here? I really don't need this thing to breathe anymore. This technology is like 100 years old. Hello? Where's that Perkins guy? He told me he'd let me out!

[Cut to Ole Sea Captain]
OSC- Arg! She was a mighty fine vessel!

[Cut to Jack Perkins sitting on chair, hands cupped over his knees]
JP- It could have been the massive ringworm infestation on the inside of his left thigh. It may have been the gangrene covering both of his feet, but Johnson passed away in 1981. No one knows the cause of his death, since his corpse had to be immediately burnt and the ashes irradiated. Crusty Johnson will forever be remembered as a filthy pioneer in a filthy business.

I'm Jack Perkins, and this is Biography.

- Travis Daub

 

- Travis Daub