Travis: So I have to admit, this is the first time I've interviewed female anatomy. I'm somewhat intimidated--

Left Breast: Come on dude, get with it. We're gonna totally be on Larry King in like, 20 minutes.

TD: Ok then, let's get started. Righty. Are you paying attention?

Right Breast: What?.... Oh yeah. (adjusts his glasses) Sorry, I was thinking about this Linux kernel--

LB: Oh shut up man. You're such a freaking nerd. Really, what is wrong with you?

RB: (sarcastic) Nothings wrong with me Lefty. Why don't you leave me alone?

LB: Here you are, hanging out with the most beautful chick on the freaking planet and you're totally mawing on some computer shit.

RB: But... mawing?

LB: Just SHUT IT! Or I'll get all Dolph Lundgren on your freakin' ass. And put those Majic cards away! Ya' freak.

(silence)

TD: Ok--friends. So tell me what it's like to be in the spotlight after almost 15 years of near obscurity.

LB: Obscurity. What the hell are you talking about?

TD: Well, many people would say you've been playing second fiddle to Juilia's legs and butt for the past few years. You guys haven't really been in the spotlight in any of her films--until Erin Brokovich.

LB: Second Fiddle? Dude, we are the damn spotlight!

RB: Well, (sniff) we really haven't had too much screen time up till now. I saw Julia's legs on E! the other day and...

LB: Maybe you haven't had much screen time. Maybe you missed the kick-ass cameo I had in the third sex scene in Pretty Woman? (sits back) Yeah. Quite-a-few guys wore out that spot on the videotape. Know what I mean? K i c k - a s s.

RB: Cameo? I'd call it more of a "peek-a-boo."

LB: It was kick-ass!

RB: You already said that.

LB: Shut the fuck up NERD!

TD: Obviously this is a sore subject.

RB: Sore? Man, sore is when a sequin---

TD: Dear God, I think I'm in one of Woody Allen's nightmares.

LB: Righty, I'm going to knock the shit out of you.

RB: You've been drinking, haven't------WAIT! You've been seeing Marlon Brando's right breast again haven't you?

TD: Marlon Brando?

RB: Brando's breasts are so easy. One drink and whoop! Where'd my Cross-Your-Heart go?

TD: Is that true Lefty?

LB: Damn no. N-F-W man. I don't hang with that skanky-ho no more. I'm thru with that shit.

TD: Guys, let's move on to another subject. Mystic Pizza. Where were you guys during that shoot?

RB: Well Travis, that was really a contractual thing. Julia had to look young so we were out of the picture.

LB: Yeah, we spent most of that shoot hanging out in this little bar in Tiajuana. It rocked.

TD: Do you think that was a setback for your careers?

LB: Did I not mention my cameo in Pretty Woman?

TD: I think we covered that.

LB: I was on screen for close to .03 seconds. You could see my nipple and everything, bitch!

TD: Now I'm really disturbed.

-Travis Daub