| Hello Mr.
Alexander, thanks for contacting OnStar. My name is
Keith. How may I be of service? |
| Um, hi. I think I accidentally married Britney Spears
last night. |
| Holy shit! Score dude! Um--I mean
(clears throat) How may I be of assistance? Can I
help you locate a local honeymoon suite? Maybe book
airfare to a remote island getaway? |
| Well, ah, I guess. Do you know if I can make any
kind of contraceptive out of a Coors light bottle? |
| Sir, I'm not sure if a Coors light
bottle would be very effective, but I’ll see
what I can find. I'm calling the National Institute
for Reproductive Studies right now. |
| Yeah, tell them like I need this really fast. She's
drunk and I'm sure when she starts to sober up it'll
be "Hands off Jason! I'm saving myself for marriage!" |
| But sir, you did say you're married. |
| Yeah- no.... it was just the 12th strawberry daquari.
She would have married her own mother. |
| Oh, I understand. Sir, I'm on
the phone with the Institute now. Do you have access
to any scotch tape, deflated balloons, or zip-lock
bags? |
| No! Dammit! We're stuck in the back of a limo and
all we've got is booze and food. By the way, can you
ask them if Dominos Pizza breadstick dipping sauce
is an effective spermicide? |
| Um, yes, hold on one minute sir.
(pause) Yes the doctor at the institute wants to know
if that's the tomato or the alfredo dipping sauce,
sir? Sir, are you still there? |
| It's the tomato. |
| Sorry sir, tomato dipping sauce
is not an effective spermicide. You should have ordered
the alfredo. |
| Damn! |
| Mr. Alexander, is there anything
else I can help you with tonight? |
| Is there anyway I can make this
marriage like, you know, annulment-proof? |
| Let's see, I'm calling up Google.
.Yes! The Philippines! Divorce is illegal in the Phillipines. |
| Can you- |
| Yes sir, I've already booked you
two tickets. Just point that limo for Las Vegas-McCarran
International Airport. Your flight leaves in 25 minutes.
|
| Oh thanks so much! |
| No problem sir. Thanks for using
OnStar. Glad we could be of service! |
