Bow your heads and pray. |
Bill Bennett's
Virtuous Guide To Las Vegas
The media has recently been on a crusade to
blight my otherwise sparkling career of moral superiority,
condescension and judging. The press has uncovered that
I have been no stranger to the fine city of Las Vegas. The
media has chosen to use this as an example of un-virtuous
behavior on my part. Yes, I'm familiar with Las Vegas, but
did you know that it's a veritable virtue theme park.
The following is a guide to some of my favorite opportunities
for acts of virtue in Vegas:
Charity - Las Vegas is where
I do most of my charity work. Did no reporter see fit to
speak to the numerous cocktail waitresses that I have tipped
over the years - even though the drinks in Vegas are free?
You also won't see stories of the many young ladies whose
college funds I have contributed to, in an effort to further
their careers in dance.
Marriage - There is not
a place on earth as dedicated to the institution of matrimony
as Las Vegas. With hundreds of wedding chapels in and around
the city one can enjoy an array of beautiful services. Witnessing
a sermon delivered by the King invoking the King of Kings
is not to be missed.
Children - There is no greater
gift than children and no better place to enjoy them than
Las Vegas. At Circus Circus, your little ones can ride merry-go-rounds
and be entertained by clowns while you play thousand-dollar
hands of Blackjack. I would, however, warn against the Siegfried
and Roy show, outside of the fact that their magic powers
most likely originate with Satan they are living the sodomite
lifestyle and worse, they are probably involved in "Man
on Lion" relations.
Prayer - I have witnessed
more prayer at slot machines and Baccarat tables than all
the churches I've ever attended. Whether praying for a face
card or praying to win back the mortgage payment, whether
Christian - or one of those made up religions - everyone
prays in Vegas.
Miracles -Turning water
into wine is a miracle but so is splitting aces three times
or doubling down on a nine and then watching the dealer
bust.
Sunday Services - After
a 49-hour virtue bender of blackjack, no-dowz, craps and
pi gow, it is time for me to pay my respects to the maker.
The Sunday Services that I recommend is at The House Of
Blues's Gospel Brunch. A
choir's rendition of "Amazing Grace" and all of
the soul food I can hold down. One word comes to mind: Hallelujah!
-Aaron Kaufman
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