The New Maxamillian Dual Coiled Mattress

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How sturdy is the new Maxamillian Dual-Coiled Mattress? With its pocketed Teflon springs and shock absorbers, the new mattress from Maximillian Labs is the sturdiest mattress available right now.

We had seven babies dressed as dinosaurs run across the mattress, and it still held its shape. Then we tied it to the blades of a helicopter and had basketball players yell at it. The individually-wrapped springs maintained throughout. Would you let a trained giraffe spit marbles at your mattress? We did just that, without any damage whatsoever.

How does our mattress handle this kind of abuse? NASA scientists have developed a system of spring spacing, the same method that keeps ashtrays in place when Air Force pilots go insane and try to land their jets on top of a cloud.

Now this technology can be part of a decent night's sleep. The even distribution of our springs means you'll always sleep soundly, no matter how much your spouse tosses and turns. Your spouse could even make love to someone else right next to you, and you'd never know it. That's our guarantee.

You can try our mattress for free for seven nights. If you don't sleep like a drunken baby, we'll refund the zero dollars you spent, as long as you give us our damn mattress back.

 

-Adam Finley