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Pack Your Bags, You're Moving
to Iraq
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ExxonMobil Employee Relocation Memo
From: ExxonMobil
Human Resources Department
To:
New York City Employees
Subject: Apartment
hunting in Baghdad
Congratulations on your relocation to our
newest oil field – the free and democratic
nation of Iraq!
You may have concerns about your future living
situation, such as laundry, trash collection,
and guerilla uprisings. Rest assured
we will be working with the Mafia to address
these issues. However, finding an apartment
will be your responsibility.
To make your transition a little smoother,
we offer you the following tips in deciphering
the local real estate pages:
Description
|
What
It Means In New York |
What
It Means In Baghdad |
"sleeping
alcove"
|
The 3” slot
between toilet and stove |
The 3” slot
between hidden chemical weapons stockpile
and secret anthrax cache |
| |
Civil
|
Peloponnesian |
| “modern”
|
Cockroach nest established
in Reagan era
|
Built hours after
birth of Reagan |
| “near
public transportation”
|
Cars stolen from block
every 10 minutes
|
Conveniently located
on the Iraqi Army line of retreat |
| “safe
neighborhood”
|
Connecticut
|
Located between “milk”
factory and “aspirin” factory
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“doorman”
|
Drugged-out European student standing
out front |
Drugged European human shield standing
out front |
“rent stabilized”
|
Someone died in this apartment |
Someone died in this apartment |
“walk-up”
|
See “fitness center” |
The only two story building left standing
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“cozy”
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Room as wide as door |
Room as wide as bomb crater that used
to be the door |
“complete renovation”
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Candle upgraded to 45 watt bulb |
Interior recently vaporized by a BLU-82B
“Daisy Cutter” bomb |
“utilities included”
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Tap into neighbor’s cable line
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New ExxonMobil pipeline running through
backyard |
“great light”
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At noon on the vernal equinox, a shaft
of light pierces through the unpatched
hole in the ceiling and illuminates the
flush handle of the toilet for 3 minutes
|
Refinery burn-off flames next door lets
you read comfortably in bed |
“fitness center”
|
See “walk-up” |
Activities include racquetball, yoga,
running for life |
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-By
Allen Tsai
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