Lifeless and unfeeling, a well thrown cup or kicked tire
can help to relieve the tension and stress that swells inside
when we're angry at
things beyond our control. But sometimes the target of your
rage isn't sturdy enough to take the full force of your
temper, breaking too easily and creating an unsightly mess.
That's why we've compiled this handy guide of inanimate
objects you should and should not break the next time you
get upset:
For example You and your spouse are again arguing over household
duties. It seems like you're not doing enough of them,
and she's been asking you for two weeks now to keep
up your end of the marital bargain. She's been nagging
you for two days straight now.
Your first reaction is to kick:
The Trash Can Pros: Flexible and durable, the trash can is easy
to kick, and as added bonus travels far depending
on the severity of your anger, increasing satisfaction.
Cons: The trash can is loaded with trash, which makes
your kick messy and smelly. And now the fight you're
having with your wife just got worse. "Are you
kicking things again?" she screams. "Why
are always acting like such a child?" But you
know you're not a child, just someone who desperately
wants a fair shake in life and to be treated like
an adult and for your wife to take the god damned
trash out for once in her life. It's time to punch....
The bookshelf: Pros: It's tall, so no bending is necessary to
hit directly with your fist.
Cons: As the Nerf bookshelf hasn't been created
yet, your bookshelf is likely made of wood or steal.
And your hand really, really hurts from the stupid
bookshelf being so solid and immovable. In fact, it's
probably broken, and now your wife is mad at you for
hitting something again. And then on the way to the
emergency room your wife just has to say in that awful
condescending tone, "I hope you learned your
lesson." Lesson? Lesson? You'll show her a lesson.
You'll beat the crap out of this...
Car Steering Wheel Pros: It doesn't judge you. It's likely made out
of rubber or a similar material, so it can be hit
with an extreme amount of force without breaking.
Cons: But you're out in the open when you hit your
steering wheel, and others see you do it. But so fucking
what? Fuck them if they don't like it. You want some
of this, old lady? You just turn and walk the other
way or else you'll run her down. That's right. Keep
walking. But just then something comes from out of
nowhere and slams into you. It's time to beat the
living hell out of the that...
Tree Pros: Plentiful and beautiful, trees come in several
varieties, including spruce, birch, ash and walnut.
And what the hell was that motherfuckin' oak fucker
doing hitting your car? Why didn't that motherfucking
tree show any respect for you? Why do trees even exist?
It's times like these that you know God hates you.
Cons: It's made out of wood. Remember: wood hurts.
Wood breaks things, like your other hand. But then,
that damned hand is always breaking, so it's time
to beat up...
Your Hand
Pros: Though it usually serves as device for accomplishing
life's basic necessities, just what has your hand
done for you lately? Nothing. It's just been in your
way your whole life. Headbutting it ought to teach
that hand a lesson that's well deserved.
Cons: You're getting dizzy now, aren't you? And
a bit tired, because you're essentially hitting your
head. So hard, in fact, that you're bleeding, which
has the strange effect of your adreninline finally--finally--kicking
in, giving you the strength to break....
That Banana Republic Window Across the Street Pros: The Banana Republic, a retailer that provides
men's and women's fashions to the upper-middle class,
has long been the target of your anger ever since
it laughed at you after when you totaled your car
into the tree. The front window is a perfect place
to begin your adreneline fueled rampage.
Cons: But with two broken hands and feet and your
head split open, you're gonna have to throw your body
into that glass in order to break it. That's okay,
with enough force you can do it. But those motherfucking
Banana Republic sales clerks are calling the cops,
which means you'll have just enough time to start
punching...
The Sky Pros: Though it contains oxygen to live and breath
with, the area of sky you happen to be in keeps condescending
to you. You're smarter than the sky and too old to
be talked to like a child. Punching at it only proves
your point.
Cons: It's remarkably thin and the air doesn't move
much as you punch at it. Plus, the police are here,
and they're just about to shoot you with a ....
A tranquilizer dart Pros: Filled with enough sedative to neutralize
a 500 pound bear, the dart hits its target: your thigh.
It's now slowly releasing its magic juice and is taking
away your wizard power. Swiping at it feels good,
though.
Cons: But so does the urge to sleep. And those funny
men with nets are getting closer and closer to you.
You've got just enough time to start humping the nearest....
Banana Republic Store Mannequin Pros: With plastic, pert nipples and a "come
hither" glare, those mannequins are mighty sexy,
aren't they? And they've got a tremendous amount of
stamina.
Cons: Unfortunately, the tranquilizer has just about
slowed your heart rate to a complete stop, and you're
just too tired to continue on with this rampage after
your sexual escapade. You had just better let those
men with nets take you to bed, where you'll wake up
tomorrow to...
