Why to visit beautiful Baghdad: Built on the west bank of the Tigris river in 762 AD, the city of Baghdad was originally named Madinat as-Salam, or the City of Peace. It was also popularly known as the Round City because it was enclosed by amazing circular walls.

Under the rule of the caliphs Mahdi and Harun in the 8th and 9th centuries, it became the center of many important trade routes between the east and west. Its many impressive buildings and magnificent gardens gave it the reputation of the richest and most beautiful city in the world.

The oil boom of the 1970s brought increased wealth to Baghdad and the city began to develop on a much more impressive scale, with the construction of middle-class residential areas. New sewers and water lines were laid and above ground a network of super-highways was constructed, as well as a new airport.

Today's Baghdad offers a different charm: a lack of sewers and electricty makes for a unique aroma of fear and fecal matter; its once magnificent circular walls are now shaped like rubble; the lush gardens now grow land mines; and the Tigris, while still technically a river, flows with an intoxicating mixture of blood and chemical weapons.

Climate: The best of the Y's: Sunny, windy, sandy and dare we say it? Oh yes, sexy. Even when the sun goes down, you can romance under a night sky that burns bright with the latest American offensive.

Population: 5,000,000.... 4,500,000.... 3,000,000... Ten. Scary, perhaps, but then you won't have to worry about getting a table at your favorite restaurant or a seat at your favorite show. Take that, Paris?

When to go: A ten minute window is predicted on Tuesday, April 8, between 8 to 8:10 a.m., when the U.S. will cease bombing to let its troops use the bathroom.

Where to eat: Though destroyed, we found a McDonalds on the south west edge of the city that had a few non-charred Big Macs. Sift through the rubble for a half-eaten french fry (we won't tell you why it was only half eaten). Best part: Free. Also: 350 Starbucks remain open. Unfortunately, their coffee is still $5.00/cup, and you're likely to run in to Gideon Yago.

Restaurants to avoid: Though we loved the decor and ambiance (not to mention the celebrity sightings of Ted Koppel or Saddam's top military brass), take a pass on Emeril's latest creation in downtown Baghdad. Unfortunately, the famed chef's food only serves as grim a taste of the coming apocolypse. Also, the service is poor, because the waiters are dead.

We cried ourselves to sleep our first night in the city: We just thought we'd share that.

Tourist Traps: The line for the bomb shelter on the north edge of the city was a good three hours. Once inside, the smell made us wish we were back in line. Try the shelter just two miles south, or just lay under a big rock for a week. Also, what we were told was the tallest building in the city offering magnificent views was actually a port-a-potty, which Ted Koppel simply would not vacate.

What to do: First visit the charred remains of several presidential palaces to sift through the ashes to find and identify Saddam's remains. Rumor had it that he had several gold teeth, but you better get to scavenging his mouth before his sons do.

Then, run, don't walk, along the Tigres as you frantically search for cover from the latest bombing raid. Looking for a good place to hide? Try Iraqi TV. No matter how often they're bombed, they're still standing.

Next, visit an authentic Islamic mosque, fashioned just yesterday out of artillery shells and old newspapers. There, discover religion as you pray to a hateful god.

At night, let romance flare, as you won't be able to sleep.

Finally, don't pass up the chance to make a visit through the charming city of Istanbul. After all, what the hell are you doing in Baghdad?