For the Love of God, Please Stock Drinking

Don't understand the stock market? That's okay, neither do I. But, having recently been "downsized", (or, as my former boss put it, I was "made profitable, just by not being there") I do understand drinking. Which is why I've come up with the stock market drinking game, a handy, guaranteed way to help you enjoy these most sobering of times.

To Start:
If the Dow Jones Industrial Average is already below 8,500, take one drink.

Below 8,000? Uh oh, the game needs to move fast. Take two shots of whiskey, chase it with three beers. Get in a fight with the nearest Irishman.

Below 7,500? Down four shots of whiskey, chase it with paint thinner, chase that with four Dramamine. Call your dad, tell him you'll never forgive him for leaving your mother.

Below 7,000? Down a bottle of whiskey, ask yourself meaning of life, chase the meaning of life with a bottle of Vicodin. Listen to opera, turn on the Discovery Channel. Drift off to a better plane of existence.

If, However, We're Still Hovering in the 8,000 Range:
Take a shot everytime Alan Greenspan gives a live press conference while trading is in session.

Take two shots if Alan Greenspan appears alive.

Two two shots and add a beer if Greenspan yells, "Dow down 200? HEY, BINGO! I'VE GOT BINGO!"

Take a shot if he announces that the economy appears headed in an upward direction while, as he talks, the Dow is headed in a downward direction.

Drink battery acid if, as he announces that the economy is headed in the right direction, CNBC split screens to a trader slitting his wrists over shares of AOL/TimeWarner.

If You Follow the Market on Television:
Take a shot when Maria Bartiromo reports on negative earnings of yet another company.

Get strangely aroused when Maria dresses like a man.

Stop drinking if Maria reaches through the television, massages your hair, and tells you that you're her Mr. Sexy.

If CNBC cameras show ultra-panicked traders growing ulcers right before your eyes, take a shot.

If CNBC cameras show traders building bomb shelters, clutching their bibles and warning of apocolypse as the Dow continues to drop, take two shots.

If cameras show desperate traders hitting up their parents for extra cash, take four drinks.

If CNBC cameras show traders dancing, laughing, enjoying life and each other's company, then you're probably not watching CNBC, but "Happy Days" reruns.

If The Fonz jumps out of a 50 story window, drink gasoline, light match, swallow.

When The Market Starts to Drop:
If the stock market only goes down a 100 points in a day, consider yourself lucky and take a single celebratory shot. You've earned it.

If it goes down a 100 in half a day, take two shots. Celebrate... the fall of communism? The birth of Christ?

Down 100 in an hour, take three, celebrate… that you can no longer afford to send your children to college.

Down 100 in half an hour, take four shots, change your identity, celebrate move to Paraguay.

When Earnings Reports Are Announced:

Take a shot when a major company announces their earnings won't meet expectations.

Stare blankly at your television when another gigantic corporation announces that it has to restate earnings for the past five years.

Take three shots when the company makes that announcement and claims to have never met their CEO.

Take three when a major company's CEO is profiled on "America's Most Wanted."

Drink varnish if you're hiding your company's CEO in your cellar.

Do you actually invest in the market? You probably already drink heavily if you do, so let's up the stakes:

If you own tech stocks, dare to drink Matthew Perry under a table.

If own WorldCom stocks, shoot up with Matthew.

If you own Enron, sleep with him.

Take three shots if you're under investigation by the SEC.

Drink chlorine if you're under investigation by the SEC and you're close personal friends with George Bush.

If you're heavily invested in the safe gold and bond markets during this time, convert to Mormonism.

If you're not, take three shots and convert to Islam, join Al Queda.

If, after all of this, you're still alive and sober, read the business section of the New York Times, you won't be for long.

- Brandon Stahl

Enjoy corporate humor? Check out these other great parodies:
The WorldCom Phone Script
Microsoft's Plan for The Big Split
Norne is not ENRON!
Can you hear me now?
Verzon Wireless
Switch your ISP to Not@Home

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