Drunk? Puke Here

Gonna get drunk today? Sure ya' are, lass. That's why LostBrain has come up with a handy puking guide, because where and where not to puke could cut hours off of your community service sentence:

At a bar:
Don't: Puke in the bathroom. It's likely a real mess, loaded with vomit and worse, Irishmen. You have dignity and don't need to be near all of that.

There are better toilets to hit, such as:
The Golden Tee machine. Or better yet:
The idiot playing Golden Tee. Or better yet:
The guy at a table close by the Golden Tee machine mesmerized by the idiot playing Golden Tee.

Don't: Puke on the bartender. He may have gotten you to the state you're in, but that doesn't mean you have to take it out on him.

Do: Puke on the cook making that bar food that sent you over the edge. Let him know that in your humble opinion, the burger he prepared was too rare, and you're sending it back with a bottle of Tequila and possibly half a bottle of ketchup.

Don't: Puke on that leprauchan that seems to have found your shoulder ever since you downed that fifth shot of Jaigermeister. But if he says he wants oral sex later in the night, hold your ground and demand at least $10 in return.

Do: puke in the coin slot of the jukebox. You want to listen to Foreigner, dammit, and you never know: you could have eaten a few quarters during the day.

Don't: Puke when someone plays Journey. Man, those guys have had enough heartache.

At a parade:
Don't: Puke on any of the elected government officials marching in the parade. They're not the reason you're out of work and haven't had a decent job interview in six months and your wife left you and that you've actually been drunk for the past three weeks.

Do: Puke in an envelope and mail it to George Bush. He's the reason for your troubles.

Don't: Puke in the parade route. You never know--with your employment troubles, you might have to get a job soon cleaning that stuff up.

Do: Puke on the parade's grand marshall. Similar to the tradition of the Rose Parade's grand marshall having roses thrown at him, the time honored tradition of puking on the St. Patrick's day parade's Grand Marshall's goes back at least to last year when I puked on that Grand Marshall.

Do: Try to impress your frat buddies by drinking into a cup and then drinking your puke down. If you're in a frat, this is the kind of treatment you deserve.

At a jail:
Don't: Puke on the guards. Fight the temptation, even when they serenade you with a night stick.

Don't: Swallow your puke. No matter where they put that nightstick.

Do: Puke on the inmates playing on the Golden Tee machine. How the hell it made it into a jail, you'll never know.

- By Brandon Stahl