Taking a page from Nick Bakay…
Who are you angrier at, your neighbors
or Osama Bin Laden? No contest, right?
Not so fast. Let's compare:
Your Neighbors: Their dogs
bark too much. Two big bloodhounds that sometimes
howl all night.
Bin Laden: Was responsible
for the massacre of thousands of Americans.
Advantage: Bin Laden
Your Neighbors: Built a fence
right on your property line!
Bin Laden: Now tells whoever
will listen to continue to massacre as many Americans
as they possibly can, any way possible.
Advantage: Bin Laden
Your Neighbors: Fuckheads just
put the fence up one weekend, They didn't even ask
permission. And now your bushes – those rose
bushes you got for your birthday last year --- don't
get as much sun as they need. Now you've got to
spend your weekend—your one free Saturday,
because Sunday you've got church and then the kids
are coming over and then potluck that night--uprooting
the roses and moving them to another part of the
yard.
Bin Laden: Makes a mockery
of the United States just by living.
Advantage: Your neighbor.
Your Neighbors: And why did
those shit for brains paint the fence such an ugly
fucking color? Who paints their fence puke green?
It makes the yard look awful. Just awful. Probably
lowered our property value.
Bin Laden: Continues to recruit more soldiers filled
with hatred of the United States into his army of
terrorists.
Advantage: Your neighbors.
Your Neighbors: You tried talking
to them. You asked "have we done something
to upset you? Can we talk about this?" And
they said "No." But it was this rude "No!"
like they were just insulted by having to say no.
What have you done to them? You've been a good neighbor.
You made them that cake last winter, when what's
her name – the wife, you know who I'm talking
about -- was in the hospital.
Bin Laden: It's not a matter
of if he will strike again, but when, and how many
Americans will die.
Advantage: Your neighbors.
Your Neighbors: Fuck, you should
have poisoned that cake. The more you think about
it, the entire neighborhood looks terrible —
probably dropped all our property values. That’s
it. This neighborhood should form a committee. We
shouldn't have to put up with behavior like this
on your block. If you want to put up a fence like
that, you should have to get permission first.
Bin Laden: His army won't
stop. Won't ever quit. It won't matter how many
of them we kill and detain. They will always hate
us, always want to kill us. For the rest of our
lives, we will be under attack.
Advantage: Your neighbors.
Final Score: Bin Laden 2,
Your neighbors 4.
Two years ago your neighbors wouldn't
have stood a chance against Bin Laden. In fact,
you two might have been united as Americans against
him. But two years was so long ago that it might
as well seem like twenty. And Bin Laden? Well, he's
just not that much of a concern anymore, is he?
And your neighbors are just such
fucking pricks.
