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How to Survive When the Horse You're
Seducing is Crushing You
(a la Catherine the Great)
 1.
Do not panic. Sudden movements or screams will only
further arouse your horse.
2. Call for help. When onlookers gasp and ask what
you're doing, tell them you're a licensed vet checking
the horse for a Chronic Mysoteriaeos.
3. Yes, it is a made-up condition.
4. But the onlookers will be too shocked to know
the difference and will probably believe you.
5. Ask them to gently lift the horse up and off of you,
taking care to reassure the horse that these kinds of
things happen to lots of stallions.
6. Once they see that you're not wearing pants and
put two and two together, bounce up and down on your
head, quack repeatedly and honk people's noses like
Daffy Duck. Jump into the nearest lake.
7. If no one is around to help you,
and the horse has pinned you down so much that you're
simply unable to move, then take it from us: turn
on some Barry White and enjoy the ride of your life,
baby. Consult your local Planned Parenthood in the
morning.
Be Aware
Chronic Mysoteriaeos is a deadly disease
that, if contracted and not treated, can develop into
severe Multi-Plyexpoia, traumatic Dungeanoian, or
terrible ass cancer.
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