Who to Turn to When God has Abandoned You

1. Don't panic. Maybe God still loves you. He's just busy right now loving someone else. Leave a message with his secretary asking him to return your call. Tell him it's urgent, that you're trying to convert a Muslim, and need some advice on how to seal the deal.

2. Wait, has it been a month since God's called back? Whoa! Then yes, he really has abandoned you. He probably hates you.

3. Seriously, that's a pretty hard thing to do. God wants to love all people, even serial killers. He needs your offerings and donations to build his churches and man his Crusades. If you've fallen out of favor with him, you've really done something serious, like used his name in vain or coveted your neighbor's livestock.

4. You could try worshiping a false god. Have you considering worshiping your kitchen sink? It provides much needed water, never asks for donations, only requires cleaning once a week or so and will never turn on you. You certainly won't get punished for putting other Gods before it. What other God can offer that (oh, alright fine- the Buddhists God does, too)?

5. Not to keen on the sink or Buddhism? Consider the possibility that a God may not exist at all; That this universe was created by a large explosion of cosmic gasses and not by some drunk deity whimsically waving his hands together to create the planets and mankind when he was probably just rocking out to Hendrix. Wouldn't it feel better to know that you control your own destiny and not some wacky apparition that, according to religious text, is simply playing a high-stakes game of blackjack with your life and happiness?

6. Still believe in God? That's too bad. Then do what other Christians have done when God turns his back on them: drink and beat up your wife.