Hey Athletes, The Devil Wants to Know...

Worried that Coach is going to cut you from the team or send you back down to the minors, or you won't get that college scholarship or the NFL scouts will pick you in the seventh round?

Wish you could lose the weight and become a better athlete, but just can't because you're not talented or just plain lazy?

Then you need "Are You A Man?" Ephedrine.*

Just imagine if you could:

• Lose 10 pounds of fat in just three seconds, and 60 pounds in one hour!

• Be faster, sexier, stronger and smarter than any man within a 500 mile radius!

• Hurl a boulder 500 feet in a fit of jealous rage!

• Eat LeBron James!

• Throw a baseball 165 mph while singing "La Bohem", or throw a football 250 yards with both arms tied behind your back!

Are You a Man" Ephedrine is the pill you've been waiting for. The only Ephedrine exlusively made by the Devil, Lucifer guarantees that his pill will get you into superhuman shape, turning you into a superstar athlete by shedding useless, disgusting fat from your body while building sexy muscles that women won't be able to say no to.

Your coach will love you if you take this pill.

Your parents will accept you.

Fans will figure out who you are.

Listen to what these pro athletes and celebrities have to say:

"Cool!" -- Mo Vaughn, New York Mets

"I want all my players on it this instant!" -- George Steinbrenner

Hurry, supplies are dwindling!

* The devil, in his trademark Al Pacino-like demonic laugh, says that possible side-effects include:

• Heart rate rate will increase to ten to twelve times its normal speed

• Profuse sweating while you walk, eat, sleep, sitdown, shower and sweat.

• Growth of excess fur on the soles of your feet

• Hallucinations of various fish and wildlife cartoon characters

• Oh yeah, and that 95 percent chance that you could die.That's right, a 95 percent chance you could die in exchange for greatness. What mortal wouldn't take that risk? Because you're too damned weak to achieve greatness on your own, you need pills and supplements because your fat ass would rather watch "CSI: Miami" than do the pushups and situps required to become strong and lose weight. So I'm offering you a chance to continue to watch "CSI: Miami" with the 5 percent chance you could be alive by the end of the program.

• Bow before me.

- Brandon Stahl