"Testy"

It's that time of year where a lot of young people will be taking or retaking their SATs. We at LostBrain thought we'd help ease some anxiety about this exam, because we're bitchin' like that. First of all, it's not called the SAT because you take it sitting down. SAT actually stands for Suck At Test, because likely that's what you'll do. Get over it! Understand that colleges will look at a lot more than this racially-biased test to determine where you'll drink and do drugs at for the next four years.

One thing they'll look at is what your race is. If you're white and you choose not to answer the race question in the Affirmative Action part of your college application because you're insulted, then you are brave. If you're black and you do the same, then you are stupid. Know the difference.

Also remember that extra-curriculars play a big part. If you were never on the debate team, cheerleading squad or AV club, try videotaping yourself having a debate in your bathroom on what the best cheer is. We at LostBrain always liked, "We're intellectual, we're heterosexual, she was unconscious so it's the same as consensual...Go team!"

Finally, when it comes to your application essay it should always be treated like something you give birth to. Like a baby, your essay should be cute, playful and constantly full of shit. Let's face it, you're not old enough for anything poignant to have happened to you and the likelihood is nothing ever will. Try plagiarizing passages from "The Life of Gandhi," or if that book's checked out then see if "Gay Brady: The Robert Reed Story" is in.

Regardless, don't worry about your SATs, because, if anything, your GPA has already sent you up the river.

And don't forget a number two pencil...

-Eric Butterman