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Press Release
Dear Valued Customer,
Flush-Rite Toilets offers our customers the
most cutting-edge designs in modern toilet manufacture,
designed to heighten your bathroom experience
to previously unheard-of realms of enjoyment.
Two of our latest toilet designs, the Flush-Rite
Vacu-Flush® Toilet
and the Flush-Rite Enviro-Safe®
Toilet, have recently passed government inspection
and are now available at all toilet retail outlets
nationwide! In an effort to serve you better,
Flush-Rite announces the following feature additions
to our existing toilets. Please use Vacu-Flush®
Toilets and Enviro-Safe®
Toilets only as directed.
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The
Vacu-Flush®
is equipped with Toilet
Grips®. Hold on Tight.
Not responsible if you don't.
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Vacu-Flush®
Toilet Features:
- Flush-Rite’s Vacu-Flush®
Toilet utilizes flush features similar
to those of NASA’s astronaut wind
tunnel training module. When utilizing
the flush function, please remember to stand
up first to avoid suction pressure of 12,000
kilograms per centimeter squared.
- All Vacu-Flush®
Toilets come equipped with titanium Toilet
Grips®. In the event that you find
yourself suctioned into your own toilet,
simply hold onto the grips until the flushing
procedure has finished, then use the grips
to climb back into your bathroom.
- Vacu-Flush®
Toilets come equipped with Flush-Rite’s
patented Bidet-Blast!®
feature, which releases a concentrated stream
of room-temperature cleaning agents at your
rectum at 12,000 kilograms of pressure
per centimeter squared. Manufacturer’s
Note: Newer versions Vacu-Flush®
do not allow access to the cleaning
agent reservoir as with previous versions,
due to some customers filling the reservoir
with malt liquor.
Flush-Rite’s Enviro-Safe®
Toilet Features:
- Flush-Rite’s Enviro-Safe®
technology saves up to half a gallon (2
liters) of water with every flush, and
kills up to 67 percent less bears.
With Enviro-Safe®, you get the assurance
of over 33% of all bears left undrowned by
your flushes.
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The
Enviro-Safe® not
only saves the environment,
it saves you this much money.
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Enviro-Safe’s®
flush feature has been augmented with a pan-dimensional
portal to other realms. This means your excrement
will automatically fall from the skies
of alternate universes, leaving ours pollution-free.
Please do not linger on the toilet following
its use, or you will risk alternate-universe
inhabitants recognizing the features of your
anus, allowing them to seek revenge later.
- If gunfire emits from the pan-dimensional
portal of your Enviro-Safe®
flush valve, please do not sit down on seat
until gunfire has come to a complete stop.
Do your business as quickly as possible –
you will most likely have between five
to ten seconds, the average time it takes
to reload a semi-automatic weapon.
- Due to the inherent instability of Einstein-Rosen
Bridges — or “wormholes”
— all Enviro-Safe®
Toilets are built with multi-dimensional elements
found in alternate universes. This means that
not one of your flushed stools will bend spacetime
in such a way as to turn your ancestors
into your own stools, as with previous
Enviro-Safe®
versions.
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