Who Wants A New Family?!!

Regis: Let's Play "Who Wants To Be In A Family of Millionaires!".

Last week, Darren won the round to get up on stage. Welcome Darren.

Darren: Hi.

Regis: Alright, you're from, Portsmouth, Virginia?

Darren: Sure. Wait, was that one of the questions?

Regis: No, Darren.

Darren: Okay.

Regis: So, your father tells me you're a disappointment to him.

Darren: Aw, did he have to say that on national television? Was he drunk?

Darren's dad, from the audience: You little shithead!

Regis: Well, let's get started. Let's play!

Regis: Alright, first question,

Darren: According to your mother, what is the meaning of this?

a. marijuana
b. soiled sheets
c. a stack of nude magazines
d. satanic music

Darren: Soiled sheets, that's gotta be it

Regis: Final answer?

Darren: Yes

Regis: You're right!

Darren: (Screaming to his dad): I told you dad! I told you I could do this!

Dad: You sick little punk!

Regis: Alright Darren, let's keep going. Are you ready? It's alright, Darren. Let's just move on.

When your father comes home, why doesn't he think his family cares?

a. Why does Larry, at work, have it better than me?
b. My kids are stupid and fat.
c. Why does god hate me? Why did he curse me with homosexual children?
d. Why won't the government allow me to carry a gun?

Darren: I'm not gay, dammit. Why does he keep calling me that?

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Darren: No. I think the answer is, I think it's between d and b, but I'm just not sure. I don't think I'm stupid.

Dad (screaming): You're stupid and gay and fat and you know it!

Darren: Shutup Dad!

Regis: Okay, you do have three lifelines left, would you like to use any?

Darren: yeah, I'd like call, I'd like to call the police

Regis: Okay, our friends at AT&T will get the police on the line.

Police: Hello. Yolef County Sheriff's Department.

Regis: Yes, hi, Regis Philbin here and we've got Darren on the line.

Police: Hi Regis

Regis: I know you can't see us right now, but he's just admitted that his mother found his soiled sheets, and he's trying to get away from his abusive father so that he can join a family of millionaires.

Police: Hi Darren, how's your mom doing?

Darren: Okay.

Police: She still working out at the gym?

Darren: Yeah, I guess.

Regis: Okay officer, you'll have thirty seconds.

Darren: Yes, officer, I'd like to report my father for stealing ten thousand dollars from work, and for having sex with my brother last week and he's the guy that sends all those threatening letters to your department

Officer: Okay, where is he right now?

Regis: 12 seconds left.

Darren: He's in the audience

Dad: You piece of shit!

Police: We'll be right there (in the distance) We got our man!

Regis: Time is up, do you have a final answer?

Darren: Yeah, the answer is d.

Regis: Why do you say that?

Darren: Because my dad applied for a gun a few times, but because he had prior convictions, they won't allow him to have one.

Regis: Well you're right! D was the final answer.

Dad: I'd kill you all if I had a gun

Regis: Let's get out of here and get to the final question: Your brother wants to pound your face in:

a. Give him back the condoms you found under his bed.
b. Dad is right, you are stupid and fat
c. Dad hates you and you make him cry and that's why he beats on us
d. I'm really attracted to animals, is something wrong with me?

Darren: That's gotta be D.

Regis: You're right! And you've won the grand prize of moving in with a new millionaire family, Michael Jackson and his Estranged wife.

Darren: This is a great day for me.