Guide to a Successful Protest

1. Demonstrate free thought by chanting slogans in unison.
   
   
2. Write crib notes on arm: "War bad, peace good."
   
   
3. Score some bud from that NORML guy who shows up to every event.
   
   
4. For men: If the protest is at a college and an attractive woman you meet says she is a lesbian, you still have a chance. Just wait two years.
   
   
5. The patchouli haze and nubile hippie chicks make you forget what you're demonstrating for? Don't sweat it. If pressed, just string together the following words in any order: progressive, change, justice, action, social.
   
   
6. When the group chants "What do we want?" any answer will do.
   
   
7. The clever protest leader can tie the war in Afghanistan to any issue, from women's suffrage to vegetarianism.
   
   
8. Make signs with catchy slogans, just in case George W. Bush, Don "Juan" Rumsfeld, Colin Powell or any other important policy maker happens to be driving by. "'War is murder?'" important policy maker will read off your sign. "I had no idea. Get me the direct line to the Oval Office! I'm bringing our boys home!"
   
   
9. Mumble "right on" as much as possible.
   
   
10. "Kevin Bacon" the event by seeing how many topics it takes before the crowd gets to Mumia Abu Jamal.
    
    
11. Forget the fact that your pot-drenched mob is making intelligent, constructive liberals look like twits by association.
    
    
12. Likewise, forget that pre-World Trade Center, opposition to the Taliban was a leftist cause due to their treatment of women and their destruction of the world's oldest statues of Buddha as part of their policies of religious suppression.
    
    
13. Refrain from blasting the NWA song "A Bitch is a Bitch."
    
    
14. Stop deforestation through letter writing campaigns, gigantic multi-page petitions, and by distributing lots and lots of flyers.
    
    
15. Use of the phrase "Gore got more" in any context will cause Congress to hold an emergency session regarding Bush's impeachment and possible tarring and feathering. Half the Supreme Court will commit hari-kari, as will Katherine Harris and all the Florida vote counters. Gore will be brought to Washington on a golden carriage aloft ten sturdy native bearers while children strew his path with rose petals, flute players dance merrily, and young maidens anoint his head with sweet olive oil.
    
    

Remember: rational action, considered motivation of the populace, and initiation of policies which will in time create positive social change just aren't as fun as standing in a big group holding cardboard signs and shouting.

-Paul Dailing