Suicideas.com

Let us be the first to say congratulations on your upcoming suicide. Committing suicide is a very important step in a person’s life, the last one (ha ha). And as we here at suicideas.com like to say, the last step’s a doozy.

But, as great a way to avoid the soulless void of existence as suicide is, it’s not all rosy. Nothing is worse than a botched suicide. The pain, the annoying forced institutionalization, the difficulties finding shirts for thin yet stretchy necks ­ it’s a terrific bother.

That’s why suicideas.com has all the best, idiot-proof suicide machines on the Internet. From the simple noose to the Deluxe Crucifixitron, if it makes you dead, we’ve got it.

Maxx 428B Woven Hemp Noose ­ Our Most Popular Item!!!
Combining old world craftsmanship with the finest of modern techniques, the Maxx 428B is simply put the finest noose on the market. Made of the finest hemp and treated with our special DuraGrip process (patent pending), the Maxx 428B will send you to the beyond in maximum comfort. Our knots are specially tied by retired Norwegian fishermen paid a living wage. Availiable in Khaki, Olive Drab, and now Navy Blue

The Ronin’s Delight 2-Piece Travel Seppuku Set
Die with an Asian sensibility with our stylish Seppuku Set, perfect for the dishonored Samurai in all of us. Our 9 - inch wakizashi and full-sized katana exhibit the finest of traditional metalwork. Comes with instruction booklet and step-by-step VHS disembowelment guide (DVD available on request). All you need to bring: a friend willing to chop off your head!

The Orphanmaker
Impending fatherhood got you down? Take it like a man with our snug .38 mm “birth control pill.” Sleek yet powerful, this is the gun that will take you from day to eternal night. Now available with a brushed steel finish!

Staten Island Iced Tea
Popular among both big city party girls and closeted suburban dads, our special brew kills quickly and deliciously. Made with a mix of arsenic, toilet bowl cleaner, wormwood, and vermouth, this drink ensures that you’ll want to have another . . . but can’t!!! Quantity limited. Allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

The Grad Schooler
We could have told you that a dissertation on Sylvia Plath was a bad idea. But now you’re stuck seeing the overwhelming blackness of life. Or are you? Not with our 3 inch blade of penance. Our specially treated stainless steel blade will never go dull, not that you’ll need it for very long. Go gently into that good night with this classic, perfect for any failed member of the literati. Is this a dagger you see before you? You bet your horn-rims it is!

Fine Print:
Order within the next 30 days and receive a free gift of “Out Out Damned Spot Remover,” the perfect gift for any roommate. (All orders come with one of six sample suicide notes and a map of the most accessible bridges in your area.) Order now! Supplies and your time upon this mortal coil are both limited!

-Paul Dailing