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Thanksgiving: What if the Indians Conquered
the Pilgrims?
With Thanksgiving right around the thankful
corner, don’t you wonder what would have happened
if those people we name sports teams after, you know, Indians,
had defeated the Pilgrims? Of course you do, Silly Whitey.
So, here goes:
If the Indians had conquered the Pilgrims
we would…
- All be laughing at how the place we live in rhymes with
"pee-pee."
- Celebrate Earth Day every day
- Be upset when we found out who scalped J.R.
- Hang out with our best friend Casey No Sucks Without
Tax Breaks
- Catch our teenage boys in the bathroom with a cut-out
of that Land O’ Lakes hottie
- Have been spared that episode of "90210" where
Brandon and Dylan are, like, fighting, and they, like,
get caught peeing at an Indian burial ground, and, like,
they are forced to dig a hole, and they, like, end up
making friends with this chief, and they, like, end up
naked with a bunch of men calling out "grandfather"
and shit. And, they end up, like, not fighting anymore?
- Not laugh as much at our favorite new character Haji
Hiawatha the Indian Indian
- Use a bow and arrow for EVERYTHING: household chores,
dental care, fashion accessory
- Have Jim Beam pouring out of taps 24/7
- Have been spared of the Kevin Costner era
- Have five major sporting leagues: the NBA, MLB, NFL,
NHL and SLOTS
- Have had to pay at least double—maybe even triple—the
amount we paid for Manhattan|
- Pay for everything with our golden Sacajawea dollar
coins, or beads
- Find ways to utilize all of a condom, rather than just
tossing it aside wastefully when we're done with it
- Laugh ourselves to tears by the nation's number one
comedian, the Indian crying guy!
- Not need costly medications to fight glaucoma. We smokem
the peace pipe
- Never watch F-Troop on Nick-After-Moon-Down
- Count on third world children to slave 14 hours a day
to supply us with Nike Air Moccasins
- Constantly complain about the rising cost of the Buffalo
Dung used to fuel our cars and furnaces
This cultural insensitivity brought to you
by: Eric Butterman, Brandon Stahl, and Travis Daub |
