Kids Napping?

Based on what we've seen on CNN lately, kidnapping is an out-of-control crime in this country. Here's a rundown of the key players in this dramatic saga:

You: Are afraid your kids will be taken by a gang of rednecks, hoping to use the genetic material to clone Dale Earnhardt Senior.

Your Kids: Are docile, friendly, gullible, and impressionable. They’re so helpless, they make the Lindberg baby look like Vin Diesel. Example: Your offspring are unable to fend for themselves, even against most imaginary attackers—the monster that lives under the bed gave your 8-year-old a bloody nose.

The Authorities: Are pretty much useless, at least until Connie Chung shows up. Case in point: Recent child kidnappings have been thwarted by 13 year-old boys and highway motorists. It's a little-known fact that a case in Arizona was actually solved by a Saguaro cactus and a 1982 Ford Pinto—long before the police had even noticed the kids were gone.

Face it: You’re better off hiring the Benet-Ramseys as private detectives than to rely on the authorities.

Child Kidnapping: Is no laughing matter, but that never stopped us before.

So what do you do?

Well, we’ve prepared a little informational primer for your benefit. Think of it as a primer, prepared by us, meant to benefit you.

Tips to Avoid Kidnapping

1. Before you go out, make sure your kids are clearly labeled as your property. Scrawling your name and address across their little foreheads with a Sharpie is a good option. If your kids don't have giant, freakish craniums, you might want to write on their clothes. This will also be helpful on those evenings when you take the kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and get so drunk you can’t remember their names or how to find your way home. A bottle of “no more tears” fingernail polish remover, dumped generously over their heads, will remove the marks. It's also a great way to extend that Chuck-E-Cheese buzz.

Here, Baby Earnest Hemingway demonstrates:

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IMPORTANT! Avoid “loaning” your kids to strangers. Often, people who swear they just want to borrow your son for the afternoon will seem innocent, but they may have other intentions. Click this magazine cover for more information on this important topic.

2. Keep constant watch over your kids. Make sure to keep them nearby at all times, even when you’re involved in otherwise private tasks, like spanking the monkey, blowing your boss, or spanking your boss’s monkey.

3. Here’s a tip that will make your kids darn-near kidnap proof! Have your children euthanized, stuffed and mounted on wheels. Attach a little string around their necks and you can pull them along behind you. This will seriously creep other people out, including potential kidnappers, who will run in fear. But trust us, all the bloodcurdling screams are worth it. You’ll never have to wait in line at the grocery store again.

4. Remember: Ugly kids are less desirable than cute, bathroom tissue-TV commercial-quality kids. Keep your cute kids locked in the highest tower of your castle for their own safety. Deprive them of any access to other human beings. Let the horribly disfigured ones run free and propagate.

5. Studies have shown that kids who play violent videogames, watch rated R movies and skateboard are more likely to be kidnapped. If you let your kids do these things, it means you're a horrible parent.

6. President Bush is desperately looking for someone to helm the next office of Homeland Security. If you’re not careful, he could grab your kid for the job.

7. Sometimes, kids are kidnapped by their future evil arch nemesis. The arch nemesis travels back in time to kidnap the great, great, great grandfather of a hero who will one day save the planet. In this case, you might as well give up. With their superior technology, super-strong robots, and genetically enhanced reflexes, the time-travelers are guaranteed success. Plus, killing people from the future could throw the entire space-time balance into a tizzy. Just prepare yourself for a dismal future, suffering as the slave of a race of ultra-cruel, super-intelligent robots.

So, let’s say you followed all the above rules, but your kid still got kidnapped. You didn’t really follow all the rules did you? If you did, your kid would be an unharmed, taxidermic masterpiece, mounted on casters and safely stowed in the trunk of your car.

What to do if your kids have been nabbed.

1. First, don't panic. A nationwide frenzy of anger against child kidnappers means the public is your best ally. Get the word out and your neighbors will help find your baby. That is, unless you’re an African American. If that’s the case, then sorry, the public simply doesn’t seem to care about your crisis. Just sit tight. The authorities are on the case. Also, please don’t call CNN, they’re waiting to see if the guy who kidnapped that little white girl gets caught sometime soon.

2. Before you do anything or notify anyone, call Travler's Insurance and take out at least a $4 million life insurance policy on Jr.

3. If your kid was taken, it was probably your fault. It’s proof of your fundamental failure as a guardian and caregiver. Now is a good time for you to develop a severe dependency on tranquilizers.

4. Kidnapped kids are often sold on the international black market. If you go there, you just might find your kids.

5. Keep in mind that most children are kidnapped by people they know. Now is the time to hunt down and kill everyone you know.

6. If your kid is never found, you may want to roll your resulting rage into a successful career as a "loose cannon" on the police force. You'll probably get an eccentric partner, who is very different from you—but eventually you'll grow to trust and understand one another. Then one day, after you've crashed like, 14 squad cars and your partner has been shot in the leg, you'll lose it and take out a whole shopping mall with a bazooka.

If your kid is Patty Hearst, please ignore all of the previous advice.

Disturbed? It's his fault: Travis Daub

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