Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls--Please accept my warmest welcome to LostBrain.

After years of very careful planning, two weeks of incessant exposure to Tony Little infomercials, and enough fast food to choke a herd of wild mustangs, my colleagues and I are happy to bring you something we consider to be the most important site to ever hit the internet.

Why is it so important? I was hoping you'd ask.

It's not because we plan to publish the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee video, in its entirety for free. It's not because we hired Willford Brimley, "America's Grandpa" to narrate every pulse pounding minute of the Pam and Tommython.

No, it is because we finally found a way around the trade embargo on Chinese-made Pamela Anderson Lee novelty clocks, sure to delight even the stodgiest of chronophiles.

Yes, one out of every 50,000 visitors to our brand-spankin'-new site has a good chance at winning one of these tick-tockin' babys.

They're the real McCoys. Packaged in bubble wrap (not those damn styrofoam peanuts), and shipped directly to your doorstep from across the freakin' Pacific, the Pamela Anderson Lee novelty clock is a keepsake your family will want to oogle at for years to come.

I know what you're saying. What about Grandpa? How will he be able to oogle when he can't even tell an episode of "Baywatch" from his 12 years of imprisonment in a Viet Cong prisoner of war camp?

Never fear kids, we've got Grandpa covered. While the rest of the family marvels at Pam's rhythmic motions, the Pam Clock will send her soothing, seductive voice across the room on a frequency Grandpa's hearing aid can receive, (as well as some baby-monitors) and lull grumpy Grangpa into a Viagra-induced state of pure pleasure.

Trust me folks, the Pam Clock is just the tip of the LostBrain iceberg. We're planning to bring you more exciting features here at LostBrain in the months ahead, along with as many products as we can find that were deemed, "unfit for human consumption" by Big Government regulations. So read, enjoy, and keep an eye out for your limited edition Pam Clock!