U.N. Americans

Have you always wondered what your neighbor is hiding? You have a tap on his phone, but it's not good enough? Your family and friends tell you to leave him alone, but you're convinced that your neighbor is hiding nuclear weapons?

That's why we're here. We are the:

Pretty soon, we're going to be leaving Iraq and looking for work in the private sector. If you hire us, we'll knock down your neighbors door and inspect his home for nuclear weapons. We promise to look everwhere: his laundry, his toolbox, his garbage, his closets, even in his refridgerator. If he has nuclear weapons, we'll find them. Guaranteed.

And if he doesn't have weapons, we'll plant a few in his garden, in the cushions of his couch, and on his wife, provided he has one. If he isn't married, we'll get him a wife with weapons previously planted on her. Guaranteed.

These were some weapons we found in the parking lot of a Dave & Busters in Cleveland. The guy with the camera is there to put them on the internet.

And when we announce that he has weapons, we'll make sure he hasn't declared previous possession of them. And if he hasn't, then we'll take really good pictures of them and send them to all the major news and wire organizations. The pictures should be published by the next day. That's our promise to you.

But if he has declared them, then we'll conveniently forget that he did. And when he reminds us that he did or if he accuses us of planting the weapons on his premises, we'll argue with him for awhile until he gets so tired of arguing that he eventually gives up and admits that yes, he has nuclear weapons. And then we'll punch him in the stomach and take pictures. We'll post them on the Internet. Guaranteed.

But if he keeps arguing and doesn't give up, we'll convene an emergency session of the U.N. weapons security council. There, his representatives and our representatives will be present at the meeting. We will seated at a big table, they will be at a much smaller table.. Coffee will be served to both sides. We will get sugar and cream. They will get nothing. We'll look him straight in the eye and tell him: you've got nuclear weapons. And when he says: "No, I don't. You planted them there" we'll say that we have to go to the bathroom. Then we'll get up. And we'll go to the bathroom. Guaranteed.

And when we come back from the bathroom, we'll return with a nuclear weapon. We'll hand him the weapon, and we'll sit in his lap. And we'll say, "This is your weapon, because it has your name on it." His name will be written on the nuclear weapon. It will be in italics. When your neighbor looks dumbfounded, we'll say, "Your honor, we rest our case." When we're told that a judge isn't present at the hearing and that one isn't needed, we'll cry that the proceedings are outrageous--of course there should be a judge! Then we'll bring in a judge. He will be planted with nuclear weapons. We can almost guarantee that one.

When your neighbor questions the sanity of the proceedings, we'll ignore him and thumb wrestle for awhile. The man with the superior thumb will win the tournament. When your neighbor gets up and says he's leaving, that will be our cue: he's just as much admitted his guilt. We'll arrest him and bomb his wife and home back to the stone age, depending on the quality of his home's weather stripping. If it's high quality, then the bombing might not do that much good, so we'll likely release a few rodents into his house, subject to availabilty of rodents. Rabbits are rodents, as are ferrets. They would have to do in this instance, but we guarantee the quality of their work.

We're the U.N. Nuclear Weapons Inspectors. We're coming back to the United States. We charge $19.95 for our services. Rodents cost extra, if needed.

-Brandon Stahl