The Maine Event

Maine, its well known as the first state to take an anti-war stance. This opposition may stem from the fact that Maine residents have bigger concerns. They’ve been living in fear that their northernmost tip will become part of southern Canada if they don’t cultivate a better image. Finally, Maine residents have organized a list of their top concerns and suggestions for political leaders:

10. Vacationland? Who are we kidding?

9. Blue-collar is back—step up the Paul Bunyon angle.

8. We got lobster—push it.

7. The accent sounds too Canadian, aye? Speech classes for northern Mainers.

6. Oust the chickadee and make a badass bald eagle the state bird.

5. Leak a list of famous Mainers that will make the state look Hollywood cool: Judd Nelson, Patrick Dempsey, Liv Tyler.

4. Can we get rid of some of this snow? Sleds are only fun for, uh… 10 minutes.

3. Ditch the Downeasters nickname for something more “up,” like Maine Mountaineers.

2. We still got lobster—keep pushing.

1. Get Stephen King to start setting his novels somewhere else—he’s freaking people out.

-Melissa Walker