Click Here to Sign Up for the Company Picnic.
Click Here to Sign Your Soul Over to the Devil.
Click Here to Make an Anonymous Confession

Internal Microsoft Communication:

Employees: This is Microsoft's planned list of recommendations to penalize our supposed "monopolistic practices." Please look over and make sure you will be appropriately punished. We will be sending this to the Federal Justice Department (a.k.a. "The Big Meanies") in one week, after which time coffee and cake will be served.

1. Microsoft proposes splitting the company into two groups - one running the operations of Windows OS, Explorer, Office, etc.. The other company will consist of a group of sweaty goons with the sole responsibility of putting a beating on Steve Jobs.

2. Steve Ballmer will promise to wear a toupee in public.

3. Microsoft will remove Netscape Navigator from each of our computers; thereby punishing our own staff by only allowing them to use Internet Explorer.

4. All Microsoft Software released after July 19, 2001 will be fully Y2K compliant.

5. Microsoft will offer Linus Torvalds a job as the company mailroom manager. 

6. Microsoft will release the code for all of our software to programmers who sign a special agreement. The terms of the agreement are as follows:

  • Programmers receiving the code must have 8 of their 10 fingers removed at the first joint.
  • Programmers receiving the code must have their vocal cords surgically removed.
  • Programmers must agree to a binding nondisclosure contract by wiggling their two remaining fingers in unison.

7. Netscape programmers will no longer be referred to as "weenies" by Microsoft programmers. Henceforth, Netscape programmers will collectively be called "The Miami Relatives."

8. Bill Gates will personally install and troubleshoot Win2000 on Judge Thomas Pennefeld Jackson's computer.

9. Linus Torvalds will no longer receive baskets full of dead rats in the mail every Friday.

10. After dividing into its separate entities, Microsoft will be able to reform into one gigantic robot—but only if the fate of the galaxy is threatened by evil.

11. All Janet Reno dartboards will be removed from Microsoft packaging.

12. Microsoft will finally reveal that the "NT" in Microsoft Windows NT stands for "Nice Tits."

13. Microsoft feels that the accounting staff has hogged the coke machine on the third floor Mezzanine. And for this, we truly do apologize. From here on out, each accountant will be electrically zapped whenever they get thirsty.

14. Microsoft would like to be punished by Shiandra, dominatrix of the night. We request she use her shackles and branding iron.


One final note:
Microsoft would like to take this time to blame all of our misdeeds on our unprofitable online magazine, In fact, the whole idea for "unfair business practices" started with them.

Please do whatever you wish with their corpses.


This Parody is by, #1 in Online Suffocations


This is the Microsoft Seal of Authenticity.
If you suspect that this memo is not an authentic copy, call 1-800-PIRATER and we'll arrest you.